Analyzing Things

So, I started reading a book called, “Why Does He Do That?”  It’s basically about abusive men and why they do the things they do; mostly narcissists.  I don’t like to diagnose people, because it could be likely that term gets over-used.  It’s thrown around a lot when people talk about their exes.  Although, it could just be that we are more aware of it now and outing these types of people more often.  Anyway, at the very least, I think he had a lot of narcissistic tendencies.  He could possibly be a passive aggressive covert narcist.  I am now questioning everything.

When I first met him, one of the first few things he made a point of telling me was that he was not a liar or a cheater.  He was very outspoken and adamant about that, even though I didn’t ask him.  I’ve read and heard from a lot of people that say when you first meet someone, and they say something like this, they are outing themself.  They are, in fact, those exact things.  Because if they weren’t, they wouldn’t feel the need to tell you.  I mean, I never felt the need to tell him that.  He did keep something from me that I found out about him.  He said he was just afraid to tell me, but after he still hadn’t told me after a year and a half, I brought it up after he had been screaming at me about something silly.  It was something I SHOULD know, and after a year and a half he still hadn’t told me.

I wonder if he ever did cheat on me.  I don’t think he did.  I don’t care at this point.  But there were a few times when work was cancelled because of weather at the last minute, and when I told him, he would act really mad, like I had just ruined his day or something.  Like, why are you so mad that I’m not leaving?

Then the whole thing that happened on Thanksgiving . . . when my tire mysteriously didn’t have enough air.  I told him the night before I was going to see my family.  I asked if he wanted to go, and he didn’t even answer me.  The next day, I get in my car, start going down the road and next thing I know, I’ve got a flat tire.  It didn’t blow, it was just flat, like air leaked out.  When I called him, he didn’t seem surprised.  And he just said everything he could to make the situation harder, then he accused me of fucking up my tire on purpose so I could start a fight?  Like is that telling on himself?  Because I haven’t had any problems with that tire since then, and that was almost 2 months ago.  During that fight he even said, “I didn’t even know you were going to your family!”  And I was like, “I literally told you last night and last week…”  And he was like, “They don’t even care about you…”  So, did he fuck up my tire while I was asleep that night, so I couldn’t go?  Or maybe to have a reason to yell at me for wanting to go?   I don’t know.  Then I think maybe I’m being paranoid.  No idea.

I got a wild hair and decided to check on the dating website that we met on.  He’s already back on there.  I just started laughing.  He’s searching for his next victim, the next woman he can sponge off of.  While I am adamant about never wanting to be in a relationship ever again because of the damage he and other men have inflicted on me, he is already searching for some poor new woman.  I wish I could warn her, whomever she may be, but that would take the financial burden off me.  I have still been helping him the last few weeks so that he doesn’t go homeless.  I told him I would while he looked for a real job.  Something tells me he hasn’t even been searching.  There’s going to have to be a point where I cut him off.  I hate having to do shit like this.  It’s my money, and I would really like to be able to use it for myself, instead of some abusive, selfish fuck.  But I guess no matter what, I don’t like to think I’m the cause of someone going homeless or hungry.  If he finds another woman, maybe she can take the financial burden off me.  I’m betting that’s partially why he’s already looking for someone. . . so he doesn’t have to find a job, he can just find a woman to do it all for him.  There’s also the fact that he simply cannot fathom the idea of being alone, and he probably needs a new supply to feed off of.  Someone else to control and drain all the energy from.

Another thing. . . I talked to my friend Chris again at work.  He’s put in his notice to leave.  I was like, “So, I’m not going to see you anymore and we can’t even message each other because your girlfriend doesn’t even want you talking to me.  How am I supposed to talk to you?”  He’s like, “I guess you won’t.”  And he said it with just dismissive casualness that it really stung.  Like, the amount of shit I’ve done for that man, and shit I’ve forgiven him for, and he’s so careless about never seeing or talking to me again… like he really cares that little about me?  What the fuck?  He chose some immature little girl who tracks his phone and messages and even physically assaulted him over me.  He wants to be with her over even being my friend.  Part of me wonders if he just loves the drama.  That maybe he never wanted to be with me because it would be too boring for him.  Because I would never do any of that shit she does.  It’s just infuriating.

Anyway, I need to get off here.  Writing all this is just pissing me off more.