School & Arjun

Hi! I haven’t written in ages. Can you believe I’m in school?! The changes in my life have flipped; it was weird that I was a student, but not anymore. Even thoughts of drinking or using are like those rare donuts in Hassiebounce- rare occurrences. However, I have become more balanced. For instance, I lived by my to-do list. It was a rare event that I did not turn in paperwork on the day I got it. In contrast, today, I will lag and procrastinate; it will get done, but I’m not sitting on it with bated breath. Unfortunately, I do throw up on occasion. It is my sweet link to the past, my ride-or-die for so many years. Thank God I see my therapist. I work hard in school and try to be active in the kids’ lives. Even though it is not much, for me, it’s mountainous.

Okay, I have not figured out yet if this is a good response or a sad and fucked head space. I followed Arjun on Facebook, and he messaged me. He did not even remember me due to his TBI. We talked forever, and he asked me out. I said yes. Right? What the hell, Amanda? Dumb, I know, but I ached for home, and he represented that for me. Trash-talking MS is a daily habit, but secretly, I do get homesick. He came to visit and stayed for a week. The sad part is it could have been amazing, but he put me as his world. He also posted embarrassing stuff on Facebook that screamed insecurities and anger. When he went back home, I started school the next day. It was a big issue; he lost his mind over not talking for hours. I could not handle it. Journal- he posted shoes on Facebook for people to buy him because his birthday is coming up. I ended up breaking up with him and immediately blocking him.

Sorry, me. You wanted me to handle it properly, but I did not. Look- I still get panicked when a text comes in. Do not date again- please. I love you.

-ME