Life is lifeing

Journal,

I am so weird—truly. However, considering the number of people worldwide, a fair amount must match me. I am curious about how others perceive the world and even more about how I perceive the world. Is it okay to be my own best friend? In doing this, I tend to let myself slack. But do I? Am I not more pushy, expecting perfection? Well, Amanda, I would like to introduce you to your fucked up nervous system- Panic and indigestion, anyone?

Enough questions, curious cookie; let us talk about life. Okay, so Shane texted me last night. I was a wreck all day, waiting for this stupid text. The irony is not lost; I just broke up with someone who drove me crazy with his endless texts. In fact, I dreaded text bings for days- confident Arjun would get around being blocked.

Okay, quick rewind: I have not dated anyone exclusively in 5 years. I got sober and became perpetually single. In year two of sobriety, I met Arjun, and we casually hooked up. It wasn’t until just recently we reconnected and started dating. He is still in MS, so it was a long-distance relationship. That was a terrible idea, and it lasted six weeks. He never left me alone- ever. How could he do such a thing 1500 miles away? I will enlighten you. Facebook messenger calls and guilt. I was miserable and called it quits. Oddly enough, Shane connected with me through Facebook; it was a Flagstaff community group. I responded, and we have been talking for days- six days.

I am usually pretty avoidant; dating isn’t fun for me. However, Shane is different; I adore this man. I invited him over, expecting to watch a movie and then leave. We didn’t even watch one; we talked for hours instead. He has this mind that goes insane places, which I totally follow. He is in sobriety and works full-time as a graphic designer. Also, he is taking classes at NAU- what a coincidence- so am I. Although mine is still an undergraduate, and he already has a degree.

Back to the stupid, I waited all day for text. Since I am usually the one not texting, this was more hurtful; I know what I am thinking when I don’t text someone back; it is not good. Especially since the night before was way too fucking awesome. At the end of the night, he finally texted; after I had cried- journal, I fucking cried. I know. What is wrong with me? He was like, “Sorry I didn’t text all day. I really did not want to come off as clingy. I want you to like me longer than a week.” Crickets. Why did I tell this poor man I have a habit of being avoidant and not talking to guys after a week? I think it was when I told him what Carol said when I told her about him. She commented on my poor communication skills. Apparently, he likes me a lot and already asked me out 3 dates in advance. So thank you, universe. I like him.

Love always,