Life is so Hard

I have fallen into this deep depression that is hard to get out of.  My life is literally falling apart.  The only thing that is keeping me going is my two girls.  My Husband and I aren’t getting along at all.  In fact, I told him I wanted a divorce a few times, and he refuses.  I’m not happy, I’m miserable.  I work full time, I own a cleaning business, and raising two kids.  I work, I come home, I cook dinner (even at 9 o’clock at night), put my kids to bed, start laundry, do the dishes, pick up toys, and don’t get to bed until 12pm.  I get up at 5:30am  and I start all over again.  I never get a break, I pay the bills, I do the grocery shopping, I feed the dogs, I take them to their vet visits, I take my kids to school, I pick them up from school, I do the housework, and some days, I just feel like I never get a break to take care of myself and my mental stage.

The days I do take a break… I’m called lazy, unproductive, a piece of shit, worthless, and an asshole.  Those are the words out of my Husbands mouth.  He’s supposed to be my best friend, not my enemy.  He wonders what he has done so wrong that I want to break up.  I have told him, and nothing changes.  I have asked him to help with the housework, and he says its a woman’s job.  I have asked him to help pay the bills, he said that’s why he has me in charge of them all, to pay them.  I have asked him to put the kids to bed early on nights I’m working late, and he refuses.  He says that’s the woman’s job.

He claims I do not spend much time with the kids.  I work two jobs to keep us afloat.  He is a compulsive buyer, and buys what he wants.  When I buy some clothes that I need (I don’t have much), I’m wasting his money.

I miss my journaling and writing, I’m thinking this is a new step.  Something to ease my mind with all of my problems.  I have friends who are great and true, but I’m not allowed to spend time with them because I have a family to take care of (once again… according to my Husband).  I cannot go to coffee with anybody, I am to point all of my attention towards him.

I miss who I used to be!  I was actually happier as a single mother than were I am at now.  Yes, I have hit some “bumps” in life, but I was happy!  I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and I still worked, I still took care of my kids, I was happy to get off work so I can see my kids.  Now… I don’t want to come home because I don’t want to listen how I don’t work as hard as “he” does, or how the house looks like crap, why his laundry isn’t folded, why there is so much dog hair all over the place, the comment I had made, made me stupid.  I can’t do anything right, I’m worthless, who’s my “new boyfriend” or why I don’t like him.  Why do I have such boujee attitude.

Nights I come home late, and he wants supper, and I’m like, “you’ve had all night to make something.”  The kids have been fed, but he would rather starve.  His idea of feeding the kids is McDonald’s.  Or he would get them all something and leave me to fend for myself.  But if I did that to him, I would never hear the end of it.

I don’t want another man for a very long time.  He has ruined it for me.  I don’t even want him anymore.  I just would rather come home and do everything myself with out his taunting verbal abuse.  I just needed to vent.  I’m already feeling better.  I must go because I have a house to take care of, and a little girl to tend to today.

-MB-