the journey begins

all five of the books that i ordered, arrived a few days ago.  and i chose one to begin reading even before the first of the year.  but as my last entry was titled, “gearing up”…i truly am.  i have been putting ALOT of thought into things i hope to “get thru” or “get to”.  what i’m (dare i say?) “liking” is that i’m feeling some things are possible, and this is improvement for me, as i have grown very negative toward possiblities for myself.  this last year (and the few before it, but mostly the last year) took ALOT out of me.  more than i think i realized.  beginning to get real with myself and gearing up to face things instead of hiding in my numb places to avoid pain, has brought to light how much was taken out of me by hurt, after hurt, after hurt.  its an odd thing to describe: feeling FULL of pain, and yet…EMPTY, at the same time.

anyway…the first book i chose to begin reading is about healing from abandonment.  when it arrived, i actually asked myself “why” i chose it, when the other four books are regarding self love…or how to love ones self.  but sometimes i guess you just instinctively know what you need, when it isn’t even completely clear, because the first few pages of the book have already SPOKEN TO ME, quite loudly.  words that resonate deeply actually, and describe very much what i’ve been going thru for a long time, making me feel….”understood”…at least by the author of the book.  feeling understood, or “heard” on any level for me, is huge.  i’ve felt very UNheard, very UNseen for a long time now.  so feeling so, by the author of a book that i don’t even know…is validating in a way.

so, a couple of chapters in, i had a bit of an awakening, in that i felt “found”.  not in terms of finding myself, like i hope to, but in terms of finding out WHERE i am.  i am smack in the midst of “abandonment grief”, and tho i’d never heard the term before, the book describes EXACTLY what i’ve been going thru and all the tangled feelings i’ve felt.  so…tho where i am, is not pretty, by any means, it feels somewhat relieving to comprehend in a way that feels very true for me.

with the kind of grief where you lose someone you love to their death, there are 7 stages of grief that one goes thru.  i’d heard of them many times.  but with abandonment grief, you lose someone you love because they leave you, turn their backs on you, dismiss you from their life, taking with them the love and bond that you’d always known.  with this kind of grief, there 5 stages.  from what i’ve read so far, i’ve cycled thru the five stages, although not in the way that i should have.  meaning that in order to cycle thru them properly, i would have needed to “feel my way” thru them, and instead, i have pushed feelings down and away to spare myself as much pain as possible.  the book promises to provide a way to cycle thru each stage to bring me out to the final stage of renewal, where i’m ready to get on with life again.

i know me well enough to know that at any time, i could come upon a page in the book that feels like malarky and doesn’t resonate in any way, and therefore give up on the reading.  but at this point, EVERYTHING so far has resonated, so i will press on.

one of the main things that resonates with me, is how these losses have brought forth losses before them, and have compounded or snowballed into something that has led me to believe that i’m not worthy of love or that i’m not worth “keeping”.  one pain brings other similar past pains to the surface, and a self sabotager (like me) will just use that as validation that i AM INDEED not worth keeping, because i’ve been left so many times in my life.  it also connected this to the self protection that i’ve built around myself that makes it now feel impossible to bond ever again in any new kind of relationship, because i won’t risk any further loss.

it all makes such sense to me.  to some, i realize this mite sound like such a bunch of crap.  everyone is different.  things affect and reach everyone differently.  to say that i’m an emotional person, would be putting it mildly.  i’m probably over emotional, feeling so much, and so deeply, and with the need to always dig into myself to understand “why” i am that way, when others seem less affected by things that really hurt me.  i am a person who needs deep conversation with someone who wants to dig to understand someone else, and…yes, i admit, with someone who “wants” to dig in to understand me.  that person has never come into my life.  so i feel i have been left very much alone, even when surrounded by others, because they prefer NOT to have such conversations.  or prefer not to face such truth?  i don’t know honestly.  i only know what i feel like i’ve needed…and i’ve not gotten it.  it has at times led me to periods of isolation, where those around me deem me secretitive or aloof.  either i say what i really feel, and they don’t want to hear it, or i don’t say what i feel, and then i’m secretive.  there been no way to win.

when i made the decision to divorce after being married my entire adult life, it was because i was tired of feeling alone while being with someone else, and if i was going to feel that way, then i may as well BE alone.  and i thought it would give me the opportunity to do some serious soul searching in a way that wouldn’t offend anyone else because i’d be alone.  i didn’t expect all the turmoil that has occurred since that decision to divorce and i’ve been majorly detoured by it.  but it’s time to get back onto the path that i wanted to be in when i made that major decision.

i want to say….i want to BELIEVE…that the journey is finally beginning for me.  and i plan to document it as i go.  ups and downs.  good, bad or ugly. triumphs and failures.