frustrated with myself
today, even tho i was busy, so was my mind. i have days like this, where thoughts continuously cycle, like some sort of storm swirling inside me, and i can’t really grasp any one thought to properly work thru it, so it’s more like thoughts richocheting around in my head. nothing really gets worked out, and yet i feel like i’m on the edge of something…if that makes sense.
with the new year approaching, i feel almost frantic about the need for change. change in myself. i don’t really like myself, and i think that’s probably most of the reason that i have never been able to find this elusive happiness that i’ve always felt on the outside of. sometimes i think it’s that i don’t really KNOW myself, and how can you like or love what you don’t know. but then other times, i know there are things about me that make me…not good for people. for this reason, i’ve kept myself very alone. to protect them? to protect me? both probably.
i don’t see myself ever having another relationship. i’m not good at it. it’s funny to think that when i was young, all i wanted in life was a family. i had no career aspirations at all. i just wanted to be a stay at home mom, who took care of the kids, baked cookies to greet them with when they got home so they could snack on them while they did homework, and who cooked wonderful dinner that were on the table when my husband got home from work, and we’d all sit at the table over that meal made with love, and share our days before tucking kids into bed and snuggling with the husband for a while in front of a tv before going to bed ourselves.
life had it’s own plans, i guess. and maybe i wasn’t strong enough to fight for what i wanted. instead i settled and tried to make the best of what i ended up with. and i made it thru alot of years, with joys mingled in with alot of unhappiness. but thru those years, a light inside me kept dimming…until i just felt lost in the dark.
even now with all the changes i’ve made to FIND a life where that elusive happiness mite exist, i still feel lost in the dark. unknowing of myself, unliking myself, and seemingly unable to BE happy.
i’ve been unhappy for so long, and i’m so exhausted by it. but for the life of me, i can’t figure out how to turn this around. i can’t figure out how to get to know myself enough to feel that there is something about me to love. i am inside this shell of a human, blocked from even myself, and i don’t understand it. i know that i don’t trust the very happiness that i long for. too many shattered illusions have taught me that most things that are good are very fleeting. some say to accept that and make the most of whatever the good is before it’s gone so that you can say you experienced it. but for me…i hold back, because the LOSING it once i’ve had it, cripples me. over and over again this has happened. and now…it seems that i actually KEEP MYSELF FROM feeling happiness if it’s anywhere near me.
i’m not a miserable soul, by any means. i go thru my days and smile and laugh with co-workers and the family that i have left in my life. i know that i have things in my life that are blessings that i am grateful for. i am not miserable. i am just not…happy. and i don’t know how to be, and it feels like a rediculous thing to say.
someone who wanted to date me a while back, told me that i was jaded. he told me that i needed to find a way to let go and open up. what the hell does that even mean? i think i understand the “let go” part, as i have MANY things in my life that i’m working on letting go, because the weight of carrying them and they pain they cause has become too much for me. i need to let things go. i understand that, even if i don’t understand “how” to let go. but OPEN UP? what does that mean?
on some level, i just think that everything that i struggle with, is a battle with myself. nothing else. i protect myself from things i want, so i keep myself from them, so that i don’t have to face losing them. it’s even worse now than it ever was in light of all the loss i’ve had this past year. a marriage. children. grandchildren. a beloved dog. and those are just the top losses…there has been more. the only way i can think of to keep from ever experiencing MORE loss, is to keep myself from anything worth losing. i mean…in retrospect, it makes perfect sense. but even i know, that it’s not the answer. the answer tho…is terrifying, because it just opens the door for more loss. i can’t handle more. i seriously can’t. i have barely made it thru this year. if it weren’t for this new precious grand daughter of mine, i am not even sure i’d still be here now. she saved me in ways that are too big for one tiny little being. but she did.
and if she saved me, and i’m still here. what now? what do i do with this life and a me, that are both broken into a million peices? how does one go about restructuring themselves and finding themselves worthy enough to be able to restructure a new life while everything around her remains broken and may always remain that way? i keep saying that this coming new year is going to be full of change for me, because i feel like it HAS to be. and yet i don’t have any answers for how it will be. i feel like i’m approaching the finish line of a very long, very grueling race, and that finish line keeps getting pushed further and further away because i can’t see the prize in my mind, because i don’t know what it is. it is absolutely and insanely frustrating to feel so lost at my age.