Is THIS Real Life?

http://Dear diary, It’s been a mighty week. Saturday I took myself to the emergency room having horrible intestinal pain with fever. I was given antibiotics and hydration and upon my request sent home. After all the tests it was diagnosed as diverticulitis which really surprises me because I eat organically and I eat a pretty high fiber diet. However I’m having dental implants put in and throughout this process I haven’t been able to chew well so I have decreased the fiber in my diet which I see now is a big mistake. I’m on a liquid diet but this evening I ventured to consume solid food that consisted of cooked carrots onions garlic and bone broth as well as Basmati rice. That was tolerated well and I ate a raw apple peeled and sliced and so far so good. So Thanksgiving dinner is out for me tomorrow which is fine because I’m not really up for it this year. I’ve been trying to put my thoughts down on paper about my relationship with my daughter in law, my son and my grandson. My daughter-in-law has never liked me from day one and I really don’t have any idea why. I have tolerated her ignoring me her only contact with me is when I have my grandson which was fairly prevalent when he was younger but now that he’s a little older I rarely see him. The last time I saw him was July of this year and when I request having him they are always busy. I had him quite often up until he was 7 years old and now that he’s 9 if I see him 3 times a year I should consider myself lucky. I know he misses me and I miss him terribly. I’m not allowed to just drop by because it annoys her she doesn’t like coming here because she doesn’t like my home which is quite nice if you ask me. As a side note I should indicate that I’m a teacher and I’ve been teaching for 39 years. I retired from full-time employment as a public school teacher and now work part-time as a private school teacher. Okay back to the story so it all began 10 years ago when my son brought my daughter-in-law home to meet me. I don’t know why I don’t know what it was but the minute I open the door I just sensed something was amiss. I had planned for them to come in I made a meal which I had her help me prepare. She was fine with that and she proceeded to tell me her family story which was that her brother committed suicide and her mother had her house as a memorial to her son which highly upset my daughter-in-law. I tried to be kind and understanding and explain to her that losing a child is devastating and that things may change eventually once time passes. Time has passed and she still has no contact with her mother because she hates her I guess. Well they dated for about a year I suppose and my son told me that he was going to ask her to marry him which was exciting for everyone. During that time I had a horrible bout with Lyme disease and struggled 4 about a year-and-a-half. I was bound and determined to be well so I had to concentrate on being proactive with this illness. So they came to tell me they were engaged and I took them out for a beautiful lunch and as we sat at the table his fiancee proceeded to indicate that she was going to make all the money he was going to stay home and take care of whatever children they had and they were going to buy a house first and blah blah blah blah blah. I sat and listened to I didn’t say much but when she went to the ladies room I asked my son if he was okay with this and he indicated that it was not a big deal for him. I told him that well maybe now it’s not a big deal but it may be a big deal later on. That was the last I spoke about that. Time marched on as they prepared for the wedding which was it destination wedding and as much as I wanted to I was not able to help with any aspect of the wedding except for money which was scarce in my world at that time. I called many times to ask my daughter-in-law to come with me to purchase my outfit which she did not respond so I went and bought the outfit myself. It was a nice mother-of-the-bride outfit flyweight pants brocade top and a sheer jacket which was a light beige color. As the time nears they told me that the family was staying in an end that cost $300 a night and being that I brought my mother who I had to pay for was over-the-top for me so I explain to my son that I would be in a hotel down the road that was $60 a night. My mother who was a diabetic and legally blind I had to make sure she would be okay. I paid for her hair appointment her outfit and all her food along the way which was fine by me was my pleasure. Well we went to the practice and I couldn’t stay the whole time because my mother needed her insulin when she forgot to bring her back to the hotel and make sure she took her medication and ate food. So we prepared for the rehearsal dinner which I thought was a lot of fun and I really didn’t get to speak to my son or daughter-in-law at all and spent most of the time talking to my son’s childhood friends and other family members. I took my mother back to the hotel and we settled in for the night. The next day we went to get our hair done and I just wanted to be a little connected to the wedding party but as I found out that was a no no. I bought a rose for each of the bridal party and one for my daughter-in-law as just a token for them. My mother and I went and had her hair done and our nails done and and went back to prepare for the wedding. I was excited I got your ass to help my mother get dressed and we drove to the wedding site which was Outdoors. My ex-husband was there with his present wife and all I asked was that I wouldn’t be seated with his family because I felt awkward. But we were able to speak and always well I wanted it to be pleasant after all it was their wedding. The wedding transpired it was lovely simple and we all laughed to go to the reception. At the main venue I stopped and spoke to some people I knew and my mother sat with my ex-husband and spoke to him for a while so we were waiting for the couple to into the room. Before they entered the room I came in contact with my daughter-in-law who I stopped and went to hug her and said it’s such a pleasure to have a daughter now which I have not been able to have cuz I only had one child. I went to hug her and I said welcome to the family she pushed me away put her hand in my face and said daughter-in-law and don’t you ever forget it and walked away. I was stunned I was shocked I was hurt and dismayed as well as the people that were standing around us. So I walked into the room and sat with people I knew and we all chatted and had hors d’oeuvres. We were then invited to the main dining hall where there were no seating charts. I was one of the last people to go up to the room so I have to scramble for some kind of a seat which was in the back of the room in the corner my mother was livid. I couldn’t believe it kind of a wedding is this. I wasn’t allowed to have a dance with my son nor did she with her father family excluded. I just was so crushed it was the worst wedding I think I’ve ever attended. I did take the pictures which was the only requirement for me at that time. After we ate everyone just gathered around and chatted and talked but I had to go outside and take a walk because I was just so devastated. Around mid-evening my mother wanted to go back to the hotel so I bid them farewell and went back to the hotel. My mother just couldn’t believe it we talked about it we went to sleep got up packed our bags and went to the breakfast. I was ignored at the breakfast and the only word spoken to me war thank you for attending our wedding. I did them farewell got in the car and drove back home which was an 8 hour trip. I cried all the way home. That was 10 years ago and nothing’s really changed. I can’t tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep. After the wedding they went on a honeymoon which I knew nothing about, they bought a house which I knew nothing about as I was shunned for over a year and I had no idea why. I tried several times to reach out to them and asked what was going on and why the cold shoulder but there was no response. Finally when she became pregnant with my grandson my son contacted me through email and explained that the reason I was shunned was he thought that I was not in favor of the partner he chose in life. I was pretty shocked at that as I never really gave any indicator as to how I really felt I did say something about how I was treated at the wedding and I suppose that’s what gave him the feeling that I did not like his wife. At that time I didn’t even know his wife as I spent very little time with her. We spoke on the phone and I went to see them when afternoon before she delivered the baby. I bought her a beautiful little overnight bag filled with female goodies to bring to the hospital. We had dinner and I left. Several weeks later she delivered the baby and I went to the hospital to see him. He was just wonderful what adorable adorable baby and I was so excited and so happy but also so nervous and walking on eggshells I spilled water on my daughter-in-law out of nervousness. I didn’t hear much from them after that until my grandson was about 11 months old and I was asked if I would come and watch him while they went away so I did. Several times I was asked to come and babysit and I did gleefully and as a result my grandson and I started to form a bond. When he was about two and a half came and spent the weekend with me which he was nervous about but I explained to him that if he felt uncomfortable I would bring him home but he certainly didn’t we bonded and bonded stronger and stronger. From that age on until he was 6 or 7 I should say he came and stayed with me many times for weekends and a few times longer. As he aged he started to tell me what was going on at home and about his life in his town. He did explain to me that his mother didn’t like sharing him with me and she thought I was strange and she thought I was odd and she didn’t like me coming over because she didn’t know how to entertain me and I explained to him that sometimes people just say things and they really don’t mean it and I explained to him that we are all different and and it’s fun to be silly odd and different. he’s so enjoyed coming and spending time with me and really relaxed and enjoyed being a kid. They have a very busy life as both my son and daughter-in-law have lucrative jobs and they travel the world with my grandson who is around 9 years old. I’d say two to three times a month they are on an airplane going somewhere and now that he’s older they take him with them. I rarely see him anymore and it really hurts I really miss him terribly. I miss our chats, I miss our story times I miss watching movies with him and taking him shopping which is so much fun. Here I sit at 68 years old with a family who ignores me for whatever reason I have no idea. I have asked I have written letters but I’m not doing that anymore because it’s doesn’t work. I just wish I had an explanation as to why this is. I’ve done a lot of reading and I believe my daughter-in-law has a personality disorder and since my son comes from a divorced home I believe he does not want to get divorce. This is the only explanation I can come up with and have discussed this with a therapist who I am seeing as a result of the many years and treated poorly. I can’t write anymore tonight but I’m going to write down all my feelings about this and about my life in general and hopefully that will ease the pain before I leave this interesting planet we live on.