Self-Hatred

"Some people have the misfortune to have been born to abusive parents who belittled them and prevented them from developing a healthy self-esteem. Others are born predisposed to view themselves in a negative light because of their physical appearance, a disability, or for no reason anyone, including themselves, knows. Research has consistently supported the notion that it’s difficult to be happy without liking oneself. But how can one learn to like oneself when one doesn’t?"

"Before such a change will occur, however, the essential cause of one’s self-loathing needs to be apprehended. By this I don’t mean the historical cause. The circumstances that initially lead people to dislike themselves do so by triggering a thought process of self-loathing that continues long after the circumstances that set it in motion have resolved, a thought process that continues to gain momentum the longer it remains unchallenged, much like a boulder picks up speed rolling down a mountain as long as nothing gets in its way. For example, your parents may have failed to praise you or support your accomplishments in school when you were young—perhaps even largely ignored you—which led you to conclude they didn’t care about you, which then led you to conclude you’re not worth caring about. It’s this last idea, not the memory of your parents ignoring you, that gathers the power within your life to make you loathe yourself if not checked by adult reasoning early on. Once a narrative of worthlessness embeds itself in one’s mind, it becomes extraordinarily difficult to disbelieve it, especially when one can find evidence that it represents a true account."

This is the question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately. How did I get to this point? Why do I hate myself so much? When is the last time I was proud of myself? When is the last time I looked in the mirror and thought, "I’m glad this is who I am"? It feels like never…like I can’t ever remember a time when I wasn’t talking negatively to myself ABOUT myself.

"I’m not arguing that basing our self-esteem on our positive qualities is wrong. But we should aim to base it on positive qualities that require no comparison to the qualities of others for us to value them. We must awaken to the essential goodness—to what in Nichiren Buddhism is termed our "larger self"—that lies within us all. If we want to fall in love with our lives—and by this I don’t mean the "we" of our small-minded egos—we must work diligently to manifest our larger selves in our daily lives. We must generate the wisdom and compassion to care for others until we’ve turned ourselves, piece by piece, into the people we most want to be. In other words, if we want to like ourselves we have to earn our own respect. Luckily, doing this doesn’t require that we become people of extraordinary physical attractiveness or accomplishment. It only requires we become people of extraordinary character—something anyone can do."

I realize that I need to work A LOT on treating others well…I am often resentful and mean and take my feelings of self hatred out on others. It’s hard to admit this to anyone, most of all myself. There are many times I want to just give up and live this life of solitude with built up walls I’ve created, but that would be taking the easy way out. It is time to slowly let the walls down. To start feeling happiness for others instead of jealousy. I’m not quite sure where to start…but I know I can figure it out. It might take some trial and error and I can’t let myself get discouraged. Once I am able to truly feel happiness for others and to do all that I can to help them with their happiness…maybe then I will start to feel happy for myself. Maybe then I will feel that I too am worth loving.

(All quotations taken from an article in Psychology Today)