09/03/2013

I don’t even want to write this entry because it makes me too sad but I guess I should get it all out!

Ok so Saturday Justin and I texted a bit throughout the day and finally I asked him what time his show started. He told me and I said I was thinking about stopping by and I was just trying to figure out my plans for the night. He said, do it! It will be so much fun! So he seemed like he wanted me there so I decided to go. I couldn’t find ANYONE to go with me, so I sucked it up and it took ALL the courage I had, but I went alone. I got lost on the way there and FINALLY made it there by like 10:30…BUT the power was out at the bar they were supposed to play at! I walked in and saw Justin leaning against a pole talking to some people. He wasn’t smiling or anything and I went up to him and kind of poked his arm and he turned and saw me and got the HUGEST smile on his face and gave me a giant hug! I felt really happy and like he obviously was happy to see me! =D So anyway he said he wasn’t sure what was going on but he hoped the power would come back so they could play! I went to get a drink and then when I was done he was like packing up all his equipment. I introduced myself to 2 chicks that he was talking to and talked to them for a minute but then they kind of just got immersed in their own conversation so I went and sat at the bar. Talked to the bartender (who questioned why I was alone… I felt like such a loser) and some other randoms..then all of a sudden a HUGE fight broke out! It was nuts. Yuck. Justin finally finished and came back in to talk to me and asked me what I was going to do the rest of the night. I was like I dunno what are you doing? He said his friends were going to this other bar so we all left and I met him up there. Anyway we were having a good time there, just talking and stuff. He went out to smoke a cig but I stayed in to resist temptation. I talked to a bunch of randoms and some dude I hadn’t seen in like 8 years who told me Justin was a super good guy (duh). Justin was gone FOREVERRRRRRRRRR and he came in once but didn’t come by me and immediately went back outside. I didn’t make a big deal of it and just kept myself occupied but I felt so lame being there alone basically. He finally came back over by me and seemed like SUPER sad and quiet…he was just staring into space and wouldn’t talk to me or anything. I asked him what was wrong and he wouldn’t tell me but finally he said that he had just found out that his ex cheated on him with 2 different guys. WTF. WTF?! I didn’t know what to say. I kind of like patted him on the back (awkward?) and was like you aren’t together for a reason and blah blah. Finally I felt so weird that I pretended I had to go to the bathroom and made him watch my drink. When I came back he was talking to one of those chicks again (I think MAYBE one of them is the one who told him about the ex, but not sure) so I just stood there and he handed me my drink and I went and sat at a table by myself. He eventually came over and I was like I feel really awkward and like I should leave and he said no, it’s just me, everything’s ok. So I was like okkkk and then he said him and his 2 friends were going to his house to smoke and asked if I wanted to come so I said ok. We all went to his house and he seemed fine at first, even agreed with a lame joke I made about not liking music and I thought maybe things would be ok. But then he got REALLY quiet again and one of the chicks kept asking him why he wasn’t talking and I felt super awkward again. They left and then I was like well do you just want me to go? And he just kept like stumbling over his words and was like well umm uhh I just don’t even know how to feel or what to think right now so yeah I think so. I just need to be alone. I was kinda drunk and high at this point so I don’t even really remember what happened when I left but I don’t think I really looked him in the eye or anything…gave him a half hug and that was it. Cried all the way home. Cried when I woke up the next morning. Haven’t heard from him since then. I’m trying to give him his space to get over this but fuck fuck fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk why does this fucking shit always happen to me? I FINALLY meet the most amazing guy who I have so much in common with who makes me laugh and is just awesome as fuck and then this happens. I get punished for something his whore ex did. Did I mention that his ex was MISS ILLINOIS (the state I live in now)?!?!?! Yeah. As if that doesn’t make me feel self conscious enough. I have no clue how long ago they broke up but he must still be hung up on her if it’s affecting him this much.

So yeah. Nobody reads this fucking thing but if anyone is…help? What do I do? Just not talk to him? Wait for him to say something to me? I sent him a silly snap chat last night, but got nothing back from him…at least not yet. I’m hoping there will be a snap chat or something waiting for me when I get off work but I doubt it. =(

Seriously my stomach hurts just thinking about how fucking unfair this whole situation is. I wish I could take away his pain, because I hate to see him hurting over some stupid dumb bitch but there’s nothing I can do.

I know this isn’t me and that it is him…but I still can’t help but feel as though I did something wrong. =(

Today isn’t even a running day, but I might go after work anyway just because I don’t know how else to release all these horrible and hopeless feelings inside of me.

The move went fine…adjusting to life back at home in small town Illinois. I miss the city………. =(