08/07/2013
Well. I’m an idiot. I pushed and pushed the Mike visiting situation to the point that he got REALLY pissed at me and has not spoken to me since. I mean…it’s only been like 1.5 days but still. =( I don’t really know who is in the wrong here. Am I wrong for pushing it? Is he wrong for not doing everything he can to visit? IS he doing everything he can and this is it? Is he telling the truth? Can he really not afford it/find the time anytime in the next few months? After I got home from work on Monday I just wouldn’t drop it. I told him maybe we shouldn’t talk anymore because it seemed pointless if we would never see each other. He said if that’s what I wanted then fine. We argued about it all night really. To the point that he finally told me I was ruining his night and he was tired of defending himself. I tried explaining myself but he didn’t care. Eventually I said I was going to bed and goodnight…he read all the last 3 messages but never replied. I literally cried myself to sleep…which is stupid because I DON’T EVEN KNOW THIS GUY and this is not something to get so upset over. I woke up in the morning and texted him that I hoped he wasn’t mad at me but I’m sure he probably was…and nothing. =/ Now…I don’t know what to do. Just keep on not talking to him (after all that is what I said I wanted…even though it’s not) or try to mend this. Is it worth it? I don’t know. I’m worried that I am an attention seeker. He wasn’t giving me enough attention so I pushed and pushed until it pissed him off. I do this all the time. I am constantly thinking in my head that I just want to be loved and cared about. I want to feel wanted. And when I don’t feel all that, I freak out. I don’t understand what happened…but then I never do, do I? Is Mike at fault for telling me lies (Can we talk on the phone?, I want to visit you, you’re officially my "festival girlfriend" this weekend (MADE ME WANT TO SCREAM), I miss you, I like you, etc……..) or am I at fault for believing these lies even though I hear them from everyone and I should know better by now?
Maybe I live in a fantasy world (thanks, books & movies!) but if a guy really wants to see me…wouldn’t he do everything and anything he could to make that happen?
This makes me wonder further if something is SERIOUSLY wrong with me because I keep choosing these BOYS who live thousands of miles away. Do I do this because I am scared? Am I trying to punish myself? Am I trying to relive my high school relationship with the Marine who was killed? Is it just a coincidence and these just so happen to be the people I fall for? *sigh*
I haven’t written or spoke of him in ages, but I can’t stop thinking about Brad. I don’t even remember the last time I talked to him. I do remember him holding my hand everywhere we went, keeping me safe. I remember sitting beside him, not across from him in every place we went to eat together, I remember kissing him on top of the Space Needle and feeling happier than ever. I remember our last night together in Chicago, me crying, him holding me tighter and closer than anyone ever has and saying "I’ve got you". I remember how our first kiss was outside the Seattle airport, after he was 2 hours late picking me up. I remember riding back to the hotel, him driving and leaning over and kissing me. I remember ringing in the New Year with him and wondering if the next year would be the same (doubtful). I remember how he took me to an NBA game in Dallas, even though he had already went to one, just because I wanted to go. I remember how I got mad at him over the stupidest thing, but when we left we rode back to the hotel in a limo, because we could. I wonder if he will still come to TomorrowWorld with me and what that will do to me………how long will it take me to recover this time? Is it worth it? (yes, I think?) I remember how it felt like he might actually love me after EDC, before Spring Awakening…and now it feels like I don’t know him at all, maybe I never really did. I wish I could hear him say "Heart you" to me again…
I don’t want to feel any of these things anymore.
I’m so tired of feeling unhappy.
What happened? How can I fix myself?