06/18/2013

Spring Awakening was a lot of fun!!! Great festival!  Always sad when festivals come to an end.  It’s so hard to come back and readjust to reality.

Brad and I had a really really fun time together.  I got a little crazy on the last night…but I hope and think he understands.  =/

When he left Monday morning he kissed me and said it gets harder and harder to say goodbye and he wished he could pack me up in his suitcase.  He was being so sweet.  But then I don’t know what happened.  He text me on his layover and then I text him when I got home and all he said was that he got home too.  I said I hoped he had a good flight and I was worn out.  He said nothing.  So later on right before I went to bed I text him goodnight and he said nothing.  =( Maybe he’s sick of me.  But then why would he have said all those other things?  I hope he didn’t say them just because he knew it’s what I wanted to hear.  I’m so confused.  He told me to cherish the times we have together and not be sad that we are apart but it’s so hard not to.  I feel like it’s different for him because he has much more of a life and friends there than I do here.  Here I feel lonely, empty and like I have nobody or anything.  I mean I do have friends, but nobody I can talk to about anything really…nobody that understands me or wants to go out and do things with me.

I don’t want to do this anymore.  I want Brad. I want to be with him and I want to not be here.  But what can I do?  I don’t think he wants me there or he would ask me to right?   I would go there in a heartbeat.  

I know I need to be happy with myself first but fuck I just can’t figure out how.  =/

I can’t even explain how awful it feels to be gone for days/a week with him and then come home to my empty apartment that is far away from the few friends I do have.  I sit there by myself and wish he was still there with me.  =( He always has people staying at his place and visiting and hanging out.  I don’t. I just have me, myself and I.

There’s so much more I want to say but I just don’t know how to say it. =(

I haven’t heard from Brad yet today and I doubt I will.  I doubt he will come to Lightning in a Bottle with me either, which is making me really sad.  I want to call him after work, to hear his voice and tell him how much I miss him but I know that’s the last thing he wants to hear…I don’t even know how to think positively about this situation anymore.  ='(

I feel so lost.