When you’re gone…

 *sigh*

Maybe I should keep keeping this to myself, but I need some room to emotionally vomit. I talk to the lovely and amazing Melissa (Nocturnal State) and Heather all the time, but I think I’m ready for things to go on record. To be saved here forever, with the rest of my life.

I really feel like most of my life story is in this diary. I lost a few pieces along the way, I deleted a couple of diaries and switched over to new names/diaries a few times, but THIS diary has been here since Kasin was a baby, and I love being able to look back on it, all the good and bad stuff… Kasin’s milestones, birthday parties, holidays, ex boyfriends, adventures, fun outings.. A part of me is also REALLY sad that I don’t have the same kind of records of Milo’s baby days.. I didn’t post here nearly as often with Milo, because I posted sentence-long updates on Facebook, instead. Some day I’ll have to go through my timeline and gather up all that old information and put it in one place together… doctor’s visits, height and weight checks, illnesses, accomplishments…

Anyways, I’m rambling. I came to complain about Ross, mostly. 

I find it embarrassing how I seem to find myself in these impossible relationships time and time again. It’s like I’m failing at life, I’m failing at falling in love, starting a family, keeping one together… I don’t know if it’s me, or what. Maybe I’m not pretty enough, not nice enough, not exciting enough, too harsh, too blunt, too selfish, too messy, too careless, too spacey, too disorganized, too… something? Maybe I expect too much? Maybe I don’t have the patience to make it a full life-long commitment with one person, fight the battles, work through the problems, smooth out the issues, teach them how to handle me and my baggage, learn their problems and how to accommodate them… When to push, pull, let go, give back, walk away…

Maybe I just don’t know how to be in a successful relationship? Which is funny, because I have friends who’ve been near and dear to me for years and years and we’ve had our ups and downs and fights and flaws and worked through all of it together, but that’s different, I suppose. and my parents have been married for almost 30 years, so you’d think they would be excellent examples.. but no. I don’t want the life they have. I don’t want the life *I* have, either, for that matter.

Ross is really awesome. Honestly. He’s hilarious, we have the same values and similar views on most important matters, politics, fundamental issues, religion, etc. He’s intelligent, he reads, he listens to talk radio and stays up to date with the news and world-wide events, he always has something smart to contribute to discussions, he’s interested in a vast variety of cultures, history, arts, events, music, and so on. He’s polite, he’s eager to please, he likes to bake and cook, he is great about house work, he always contributes around the house (often more than I do) and he  always finds time to get things done- laundry, dishes, etc. 

That being said, he also has a severe anxiety disorder, and depression issues. As a teen, he cut the hell out of himself, and he has huge earth-worm like scars all over his arms and chest. When we first moved in together, I told him he needed to see a doctor and get an anti-depressant. He did, but as time went on, even though he was much better, it was also obvious that he needed something more/else for anxiety, specifically. But after about a year, he ran out of refills on his script and never went back to the doctor to get more. He said the appointment was too expensive, the prescription was too costly each month (he has no insurance) and that he didn’t think he really needed it. Even though I, and everyone around him, could see a huge difference when he took his medication. 

Now it’s been over a year (maybe two?!)  since he’s been medicated, and living with him is absolutely horrible. I can barely stand to be around him. I can’t stand going anywhere with him, I can’t stand having him in my house, I can’t stand him talking to my children. I can’t stand him touching my stuff. I can’t stand his constant sighing, his nitpicky nonsense over the stupidest shit, the way he speaks to me and the kids, the way he mutters under his breath, the way he can’t shut up about anything, ever, and the way that he acts like the whole world rests on his shoulders and needs immediate attention. Nothing can wait. He has to scour and clean all the time, he has to be doing laundry, and he hates it the whole time and bitches incessantly. Whenever there’s something on the floor, he bitches about how he "is the only one who ever cleans anything ever," and how he "always has to clean up after everyone else in this house because no one else does anything."… mind you, these statements aren’t anywhere NEAR true.

Kids make a mess, that’s just a fact of life, but he can’t handle it. He doesn’t like noise, and he can’t hardly stand Kasin. Almost every time Kasin walks into a room, Ross starts sighing and rolling his eyes. When he’s trying hard, on purpose, they get along just fine and he CAN be nice to him, but he just doesn’t like kids. Prolly should have thought about that before he had one, and got involved with a woman who has one.. and wants a lot of them. He and Kasin always got along just great when we didn’t live together, but the reality of living with children is just too much for him to handle with his problems. He handled it much better when he was medicated, but even then he had a hard time. 

Really, the snide, muttered comments just piss me off SO much. He says things to Kasin that are just plain MEAN. We went to the grocery store today, and when we got back, I told Kasin as I was parking in the driveway that I wanted him to help bring in the groceries, and Ross goes, in a mocking, whiney tone, "Oh, he can’t, he’s too lazy and whiny to do anything actually helpful." uhh… mind you, Kasin hadn’t been acting tired or whiny at all and was perfectly behaved during the grocery trip. At dinner every night, Ross barks at Kasin every five minutes or so, "scoot your chair up to the table." "use your fork for those carrot sticks." "get your feet off your chair!!!" "why can’t you just pay attention and not drop food on the floor every single day!?" and I have to constantly referee, interjecting and either telling Kasin he’s fine and he doesn’t have to listen to Ross, or making it into a joke so Kasin won’t be upset by it, or telling Ross that it’s fine and to be quiet, and THEN Ross will launch into these dialogues about how Kasin is so rude and has NO manners and makes a huge mess and it’s ridiculous because he’s far too old to still be acting this way, and why can’t he eat real food and how long am I going to keep "neutering" his meals for him (he’s EXTREMELY picky) and so on and so on. I often have to tell him to just shut up and back off and that it’s not his problem and to mind his own business. 

You can see how that isn’t especially conducive to being a family unit, working together, agreeing on things, making rules together and sticking to them, running a happy and organized household, and so on. 

He says similar things to me,"Well you always make up these chores for him but then things come up and you never stick to it, Kasin doesn’t have to really DO anything, he’s so spoiled and selfish." ….not true. hurtful. rude. mean. uncalled for.

So why am I still here? Why do I subject my oldest child to this? (He doesn’t treat Milo this way, Milo is "just a baby" and doesn’t know any better.) 

For one thing, I can’t afford my own place. Even if I stated applying at low income places, I would be on a waiting list for who-knows-how-long, and I’d have to get rid of all my cats (who are like FAMILY to me) AND I wouldn’t be able to afford the measly reduced rent once I start my internship in the fall. I have two children, I can’t just couch surf. I’ll be able to apply for food stamps and child care assistance once I quit working at the end of August, but for now I make too much money, when coupled with Ross’ income, to qualify for any of that. 

Once my internship starts in August, I won’t be able to work at all. I’m probably going to try to stay on at work part time and do closing from like 4-6, but that will be a pathetic amount of time for a pathetic paycheck, maybe $500/month… but it would be something… and honestly, I probably won’t even be able to manage that with my schedule. I really don’t know what to do. I could look for a cabin, which would be cheaper than an apartment, and just sleep on the couch and give the kids the bedroom to share… but we wouldnt probably have running water, or a toilet or shower. 

As it is, we aren’t going to be able to afford the place we’re living in now once I start my student teaching. It is a full school-year long event, and we will be living solely off of Ross’ income, our rent will be $1040/month, and that’s pretty much an entire paycheck for him, or close to it. I’ve been looking and looking for somewhere cheaper, a 2 bedroom somewhere (ANYWHERE!) but I can’t find anything for less money. Julie moved out of the basement, and in with her boyfriend. That fucked us, a lot. But she’s happy and we’re happy for her, it’s just so hard. I don’t know what to do. We’ve considered renting out the basement to someone, but I dont want just anyone living in my house, and I don’t know anyone who needs a one room sublet with no bathroom or kitchen of their own. I really don’t know what to do.

I really dont know what to do.

There’s more, so much more I could say, but I’m just.. tired of it. And I still don’t know if it’s my inability to cope, or even my fault, or if it really is just as horrible as it looks/sounds. I mean, it sounds horrible, doesn’t it? Kasin almost cried today when Ross made that little snarky comment about helping bring in the groceries. He’s mean to us both, all the time. I don’t know what to do.

~Me