Ooh Laa Laa (or not)

So, real world stuff-

MAN, what’s up with Ross? Sometimes I think I want to run run run run run run away. And then I think of all the good stuff we have and why I’m with him in the first place and what I really want to do is fix things, rather than throw them away… I don’t actually envision a future without him, except maybe for fleeting moments. And those are very, very fleeting. Sometimes he drives me ape shit crazy, though. A lot of it is related to his anxiety and depression, which he has a hard time acknowledging or dealing with. He had been formally diagnosed, which was literally a formality if you know him at all, you already know he has both things. He was given a prescription for Zoloft, which seemed to put a damper on his sex drive… but did address his depression quite a bit… not so much the anxiety, though. I think he needs a more specific and much stronger anti-anxiety medication. (Think Xanax.)

When I first started suggesting that he see a doctor about it, he was offended that I thought he needed medication and that I was trying to change him and "fix him." I told him I didn’t think it was fair to him to even live his life the way that he was (and is, now.. because he hasn’t been on his medication in months.) because it’s not just that he’s driving all of US crazy, but he’s not living his life to the fullest, either, and he could be so much happier and more fulfilled and motivated and… just happier. And I don’t think he really felt the difference when he took his pills, but the rest of us TOTALLY noticed. So, part of the problem is that he has no medical insurance so he can’t afford the Dr’s visit, the prescription, or anything related to the disorders…. awesome. Thanks, US Health Care. Or lack there of. :S

ANYWAYS. Idk. We seem to have this mutual disrespect much of the time.. He whines ALL THE TIME, about EVERYTHING, he’s such a BITCH. And he thinks Im lazy and that I do nothing. He is resentful of my lack of doing everything. (anything, as he sees it.) Even if I outline for him the things that I DO, he fails to see how Im contributing. He thinks he does everything, basically, and he resents it. It’s not true, of course. There are a lot of things that I just don’t mess with because he neeeeeds it done a certain way OR ITS WRONG. (Like folding the laundry, or DOING the laundry at all, actually.) and I hate when he just bitches about EVERYTHING so I stop listening and just ignore him, and then he feels like I dont respect him or care what he says and that his opinion isnt valid. *sigh* 

Drama drama drama drama. 

We have these irritating fights where we get all pissy and say shit like "It must be nice to hear people talking without listening to them at all." and "I wonder what it feels like to have people actually listen to and respect you" and our respective come backs are like, "YEAH ME TOO" or "I WOULDNT KNOW" or what have you. All very childish. I remind him that I DO listen and I DO appreciate him and I call up specific instances where I’ve thanked him for his efforts concerning xyz thing and so forth, but he just makes this unamused face at me. then he sighs and he just wanders away and comes back a bit later acting as though everything is fine.

Part of me HATES THAT, he just ignores it and then things are fine and we go back to liking each other again.  Part of me really LIKES That, because I am NOT good at confrontation and I don’t enjoy it, either. Plus, he’s hard to fight with. He needs more than I can usually give. It’s annoying to argue with him, because he just finds some way to twist things around… and I am NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER right. It’s annoying as hell.

But overall, things are fine most of the time. Just when we get into this shit, I find myself thinking "this is so wrong. what am I doing here? what was I THINKING?" and planning how I would do things without him… but then it all washes away almost as soon as it came about… is that normal?
~Me