old stress, new stress, red stress, blue stress.

 Old stress: Money. I topped out on my student loans and grants- at like 58k in debt, they won’t let me have any more. Mind you, I took the bare minimum for the first few years of my college career, and only started taking the full offerings when I had to work PT to accommodate my FT school schedule…. This semester and next, I will get partial loans/grants, far less money than I’ve become accustomed to getting from them, and next year, my internship, I will get nothing.

My internship year can be helped by "alternative loans" (which you apply for- no guarantees, and I have horrible credit.) and the kinds of scholarships you have to apply for individually. I’m sure that I’ll get the Elementary Ed program scholarship, but I have no idea how much money it will be, and you don’t really find out whether or not you are going to get it until right before the school year starts up.

Which brings me to my next point, I didn’t get any loans for this last summer. Mind you, I only took the one class, the final for which will be done tomorrow afternoon, but my grades need to be turned in by the 6th or 7th in order for me to accept my student loans for the fall, which I can only use $200 of to pay for my $526 class from this summer. (There’s some sort of law that prevents you from using financial aid from one year to pay off student debt from a previous year.) .. so I have to fork over $326 for this class out of my next paycheck, and pray that my final grade gets posted in time to sign up for Fall classes and accept my loan money. There’s a hold on my account right now because I owe that $526. 

So basically, I have to pay that $326 in order to get the hold taken off my account. Then they’ll tack the left over $200 onto my tuition for this year, due to some loop hole in the previously mentioned law. THEN, once I get the hold taken off, I need to actually register for fall classes in order to get my loans SENT out. ALL OF THIS depends on whether or not my grade is a C or better and whether or not it gets posted on time, by the 7th of September. I emailed my professor about it, and he responded very vaguely to the message as a whole and not to that portion of it, specifically. So. I just ASSUME he will  have grades up by then, even though I don’t have all my graded assignments up from the last two months, anyways… Oiy.

New stress: So, Julie is going to move into our basement. You know, Corey, my ex-husband? Yeah, his mom. Kasin’s grandma. She’s always been really involved with Kasin and she watches Milo for us sometimes, too, etc, she’s really sweet and supportive of us and helps us out when she can, takes Kasin a lot, always willing to help, likes Ross, loves Milo and he calls her Grandma, etc… So, basically I had decided to move out into a tiny cabin with the kids, and let Ross find his own tiny place to rent. Not so we’d break up, but so that we wouldn’t be living together. Now, This stems from a lot of other shit that would take too long to explain, but suffice to say that I felt like it was the best choice for ALL OF US, especially Kasin, and I thought it would help me and Ross’ relationship a LOT, as well as me and Kasin’s. 

The problem with that plan was that I couldn’t actually afford anything. So I asked Julie if she was up for getting an apartment with me and the kids, but with just the two of us, there wasn’t really anything we could find that we could afford, either. AND, then there’s the issue of my internship next year, when I won’t be able to work at all. So then how would I pay my share of the rent? After we discussed it further, we mentioned to Ross that we were thinking about all three of us (me, Ross and Julie, with the kids, obviously) finding a place to split three ways… having Julie around should take some pressure off of Ross, because he ends up doing the brunt of the house work since I’m in school AND at work. He works one 8 hour job, but I work 2. So. He ends up with a lot more of the house work, dishes, laundry, etc. Having Julie around should alleviate some of that, as she seriously ENJOYS that kind of thing, and she is also aching to do some cooking, as she’s been renting a single room for the last year or so (and has had no kitchen).

So, then Julie suggested just moving in here with us, and Ross JUMPED on that idea. It makes rent for each of us $350/month, and Julie will kick in for electric, too. She’ll watch the kids as needed, and she’ll cook a couple days a week (she has Wed nights off, so she’ll definitely cook on Wed nights, at least…) and she’ll help tidy things up and help Kasin with his homework on days when I can’t be there (I have class on Wed nights) and take a lot of pressure off of Ross in that regard, as well… Ross and Kasin just don’t mesh well. So when I’m not at home, Julie will be stepping in with Kasin, so that Ross doesn’t have to try to get him to do things and they don’t have the chance to fight over everything. When I *AM* home, it’ll still help to have her there, because having one more person listening to what Ross is saying will make Ross think twice, and also Julie will be able to back me up on a lot of points when Ross and I are arguing about whether I’m spoiling Kasin or going too easy on him, or if Ross is expecting too much, etc.

Red Stress: Without my medication, I am freakishly angry about stupid shit, once again. It hasn’t been this bad since I was living with Heather and her family, when Kasin was like 3. I am getting super mad, super easily. Not cool. This is why I take a pill for anxiety. I get stressed out, and I can’t handle life. I freak out at the kids, I freak out at Ross, I freak out at traffic, teachers, math, co-workers, etc. 

Blue Stress: Kasin is going to go to Woodriver this year. He’ll be in 2nd grade, he got Mrs. Sfraga, not the totally evil teacher we had been warned against. Thank goodness. I got a last minute phone call from the super-intendent of the school district on Monday last week, all she told us was that Kasin got in and we should go to the open house on Thursday at 5:30. When we showed up, Kasin wasn’t on any of the class lists for 2nd grade. After talking to the office, they told us we could either have Sfraga or Viale, the evil teacher. We jumped on Sfraga, and she almost told us we had to take Viale, but I voiced my strong opinion on the matter 🙂 lol.. so he’ll be kid #20 in his class. All of the classes have 19 or 20 kids, it’s pretty reasonable. I had to pick up a few last minute school supplies for him, since I had only bought what was on the Denali list. Since we ended up going at the very last minute, some of the stuff we were supposed to get was gone. Dry erase markers were required, but only in a certain size and point and colour, ,which they didn’t have. We ended up just getting two packages (the required amount) of fine markers in 4 colours. We were supposed to just get the chisel tip ones (that are fat like scented markers) in ONLY BLUE. :S Sorry, folks. 

Not a huge deal, I figure we’ll explain it to the teacher on Tuesday… mostly, I’m feeling really bad about Kasin going into 2nd grade and how I feel like I’ve missed the last couple of years with him. Milo has kept me SO busy, and he has been with Julie a lot (partly, to avoid being around Ross…) and I have had a couple of different types of maladies that kept me from being there with/for him 100%, too. When I was pregnant with Milo and I was so sick, I was in bed much of the time, if I wasn’t having IVs or doctor appointments, I was throwing up and trying to sleep. I just realized recently that he has gotten gigantic and I feel like I missed it. We bought him a watch today and he’s made a couple of little neighbor friends who he likes to go and visit, and he has to be home by a certain time to check in, etc.. big kid responsibilities. Bittersweet. I feel so bad for being so absent in the last year or so.. Even though I’ve been around, I haven’t been there for him in the capacity that I was, before…

before WHAT, though? Before Ross? Before Milo? Before CRUNCH TIME at school? I had hoped to be finished with my degree by the time that Kasin went to KINDERGARTEN, and here he is, going to 2nd grade. I feel like I’ve failed him, in a lot of ways… I really think Julie being here with us will help with him.. he’s been obstinate and lazy, which I think is partly my own fault, because he just doesn’t get enough of me, or anything, really. He has really handled it well, in honesty. 

Honestly, I’ve gotten really lazy, too.. I don’t know how to get out of the habit. I find myself sitting around, staring at my phone. I think it’s a lot to do with when I was sick and couldn’t get out of bed much, I had to search for things to do without getting up.. it was boring, but I got used to it.. now I never seem to have time for house work, playing with Kasin, going outside with the kids, etc.. idk. a lot of it has to do with Milo, too, because he is completely impossible. He is such a little terror. He doesn’t listen, he will run into traffic, he has EPIC fits, he screams and shrieks, he’s horribly impatient… 

That is, when he’s not being completely adorable and joyful. Which is when you’re giving him 100% of your attention and doing exactly what he wants. Lol.. he’s SO needy and demanding. His vocabulary has really exploded lately, and I can’t WAIT until he’s talking in sentences all the time and able to express himself better. He’s always, always mad when he wants something, and I think it’s because he can’t explain what he wants and doesn’t understand when we tell him "no." … He’s just a shit head, man. I love him to death, but good LORD. He’s a MONSTER. 

*sigh* 

Kasin has a dentist appointment on Thursday at like 2:15pm and Milo has his 18 month check up at 9:15am, same day.. lord have mercy.

I’m going to be switching to a split shift at work, opening from 7-9am and then going to school until 11:30, back on the clock at noon, and closing till 6pm. Milo is going to LIVE THERE, basically.. honestly, we all are. Kasin is going to be coming with us to open in the mornings and then walking over to school with the group at 815, and coming back at like 345, and staying till closing, obviously… we’ll never be home, basically, and we’re just gunna live there. lol Milo won’t have to be in his class until I leave for class in the mornings, so at least I’ll get to be with him in the mornings before I go to class, and then in the evenings around 5:30 we all combine again. At least at this point, we’re all so used to being at work till 6pm that it wont make too much of a difference.

I’m taking a Sign Language class on Wed nights from 6-9pm, which is going to be trying. Ross hates those night classes, and he hates having to do the whole night time routine with the kids by himself. At least with Julie around he will only have to do half of it. 

The next two years are going to hurt.

~Me