Fathers.

 So, Julie (Kasin’s grandma) sent me a text on Father’s Day morning, giving me Corey’s landline number and telling me that he had called her the night before, hoping Kasin would be spending the night at her house over the weekend, so that he could talk to him on Father’s Day. I told her that Kasin had bought him a card, and that I needed a good address to send it to. She gave me one.

Kasin wrote in the card, I addressed it and put a stamp on it, and I put it in the mail. I didn’t want to. But I did it. Kasin wrote "To The Best Dad EVER!"  on the front of the envelope. He wrote "I miss you SO MUCH! Love, Kasin!" inside. The card was a picture of a chimp wearing a plaid shirt and jeans and holding a plunger, it had huge silly googley eyes and inside it said something like "I hope your Father’s Day is OVERFLOWING with joy!" Kasin picked it out and insisted it was for his dad… he would have paid with it for his own money, if I hadn’t agreed to buy it for him. It laid around the house for a couple of days before I got it in the mail, the day AFTER Father’s Day. 

I didn’t tell Kasin that his dad wanted to talk to him. I didn’t have him call. I didn’t call and make excuses. I didn’t let Kasin go to Julie’s and call Corey from there. (She actually didn’t even ask to see him, so I just didn’t offer.) 

If you know me well, or have known me/read me for very long, I probably don’t need to explain to you why I didn’t have Kasin call his dad, or why it was so hard for me to mail that card.

I hate that Kasin IDOLIZES this idiot who can’t be bothered to spend time with him, call him, send birthday cards, pick up the phone… be a part of his life. 

I wish he hadn’t gone to Texas to visit him, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time. I didn’t want to be the reason Kasin doesn’t have a single memory of his father, or any positive interactions to look back on. I didn’t want to be the person he blames later. Honestly, I had assumed that Corey would only see them for part of the time they were in Texas, but in reality, Corey was with them pretty much every minute of the trip. I was disappointed to hear that. Kasin loved it. He soaked it up. He basked in the glow of Corey’s attention. Corey took him fishing, with his Grandpa Jim (Corey’s dad, who Kasin calls Jim-paw) who he’d never met before. I’ve sent Jim and his wife pictures and xmas cards almost every year since Kasin was born, and never gotten anything back. Never got a birthday card, a xmas gift, nothing. Why do these people deserve to know my child? Why do they deserve his adoration? His unquestioning, undying love? 

They dont. They don’t deserve to see him, to hug him, to know him. They haven’t earned it. They haven’t put in the effort. They haven’t spent any time getting to know this child, they haven’t cared enough to bother. They didn’t skirmp and save and throw him birthday parties they couldn’t afford, just because it was so important to him, and it wasn’t important enough to them to even stop and acknowledge it. They’ve done NOTHING.

I wish I could make him see. I’ve always said that I’m going to let Kasin make his own decisions about his father, let him decide whether or not he wants to give him a chance and try to have a relationship with him. But I feel more and more like I’m letting him down by not protecting him, shielding him from the influences of an idiot not fit to raise children. I’m glad he only stayed for 10 days. I’m glad he has happy memories to look back on. And I hope he never goes back.

~Me