Hiding

Yesterday, I went into the master bedroom and my husband was reading a book and he hid it under the blanket. I asked him what he was reading and he refused to show it to me. I had gone in to see if he wanted to watch The Crown. I said I didn’t want to watch it anymore. His secretiveness throughout our relationship has bothered me and I usually try to not take that personally. For instance, early on having a profile on a dating to site to make platonic friends. having conversations I don’t know about with women, including his exes, which has continued but I am kind like whatever now about it, lying to me about drinking even when I could tell he was completely wasted…

So I got upset and said I can’t be in a relationship with someone who can’t even show me their true self. After my best friend died four years ago I started to feel like I should do what makes me happy because life is short and my relationship with my husband has been really difficult. He doesn’t like attending social events with me or hanging out with my family because of his Autism, he doesn’t like traveling, he doesn’t like camping or hiking. But for some reason I decided my happiness was not important.

I have alway wanted children. Now we have two beautiful children, a two-year-old and an almost 7-month-old. They are absolutely amazing. They mean everything to me. I want my children to have their father in their life.

Anyway he showed me the book. It’s called Walking on Eggshells. It is about people with Borderline Personality Disorder. It makes me feel like he has not concept of why I have been mad. Not that he lost his job without telling me that he was likely to lose it and had received several warnings, not that he moved tens of thousands of dollars out of our joint account to buy stocks…not that he spent almost two years being extremely lazy about applying for jobs while I worked…not that he has a binge or compulsive eating disorder and refused to get help. So when something he thinks that I am blowing out of context happens, this is his takeaway.

He told me he thought my mother might have it. But why hide it from me then?

I am so frustrated and confused.