The results

I think I am due for a real update, eh?

So my counseling app went really well today. Janet was really nice, and gave me lots of suggestions ..some easier than ohers. She suggested I start running again, take a multi-vitamin, and drink this sleepy time tea. Easy ones to try. She also recommended a book that I went and bought. I am pulling out all the stops I guess! So next Thursday I am going back. She was explaining stuff about my brain, how last time this happened, since I didn’t really deal with it/have people to talk with about it, it left a scar in my brain (not actually of course). She also asked a lot of questions which I have never ben asked before..which when she explained why she was asking them, it made a lot of sense.

So I guess I am taking baby steps in the right direction.

There has also been developments in the Erik area of my life…

So last Saturday I went to a party and Jimmy’y house, and I was very drunk. Somewhere in the night, we kissed. He also told me he missed me and wanted me back. I SERIOUSLY had to hold my laughter in. I did not want to kiss him, but he like cornered me, and that mixed with sadness and lonliness, well you get the picture. That is all that happened though, even though he tried several more times to kiss me, and said he wanted other things to happen. Yeah right. Driving back very early next morning, I had mixed emotions about the night. There were several guys there who, at the time, seemed interested, and I got along with very well, but nothing happened. It was my first time out actually having no attachment, and it didn’t feel how I thought it would. I though it would be freeing in a way, but it was something else. I called Erik awhile later because he had said something about me coming over. After several times not getting through, I started to panic.

The main point of this whole thing, was the same night I was at Jimmys, he was drunk and almost slept with some girl. He told me this on the phone, and I completely broke down. After going over there yesterday, I realized why. It scared the shit out of me. We had a long talk, and after me having a break-down, I realized how scared I was of ‘really’ losing him. Yeah we have been broken up since like december, but it never really felt that way because we still hung out and he said he loved me still. So I guess at that moment I knew I had to make a descion, and it was that I need to stop this bull-shit, ‘take it slow and see if things change’ and act on it. So that is what we did. I guess we are oficially back together now, and I hope things will really be ok again. I mean what was really wrong with us? We both agreed we need to have better communication, and of course improve our sex-life.

But, that does not mean, I am AT ALL ok with this girl. I know that more things happened previous than what he is telling me, I just am not really sure what. She is still messaging him and all that. He told me that she is sluttly and wanted a ‘fuck buddy’. ish it is hard to write that. I get it. I mean I cant remember the last time we had had sex, and I know that him being drunk, having all that built up frusteration, and him feeling like we were completely over, led to it..not to mention that girl is a skeez. But I need not to worrk about this all the time. I cant constantly worry that she is sending him messages, and that at every party she will be there. I just can’t do that and keep a sane frame of mind. So tomorrow I just need him to lay it all out on the table. If I ever see this stupid 18 year old girl, I will punch her. it is the one "other woman" I can actually do something about or something.

wow that was long. I just cant ever have this situation in my life again. It is time for all the lies/hidden things to be out in the open. I am just sick of looking for them.

So that is a big part of what has been going on. I am so excited to move I can barely stand it. Living here is beyond hard right now, and I just need to get out.

Sigh.

That’s all I got.