reality bites

 Well, I am back in MN.

I decided it was a good idea to just leave for st.cloud right away from getting picked up from the airport..yeah I flew in at 5:30am and I drove like I was drunk. Probably should have slept a little first..oh well. So yeah I made it 39 hours with being up, I finally crashed and was able to sleep though the night. Hopefully I am back adjusted to MN time now. 

The weather in Maui finally turned around, and my last week there was really good. It was good there..not super great here…does that make sense?

Friday night Josh called and I could tell he was pretty drunk. He was being emotional or something and saying over and over that he missed me. After saying he was waiting in the car to go home, I asked the obvious question, "What were ya doing?"

"It was my ex girlfriends birthday, so we all went out."

So after hearing that, I got the lovely ‘punched in my stomach’ feeling. I got quiet and he said he had to call me back.

So I just say there staring for a little bit. I tried to call my sister, but she was sleeping. I just kept picturing the scenarios of how this could go. I realized that I didn’t want to sit around for him to call me back. So I left him a message saying I was going to bed. He ended up calling back.

I don’t really remember exactly how the conversation went. But I wasn’t mad. I did tell him though that it took me by surprise hearing where he was, and it probably felt worse since I missed him so much. I said that if he was out of town and I went out with Erik and everyone, he would feel the same way. he agreed.

There was some back and forth and some annoyingness had by both. But at the end, I thanked him for telling me. He could have easily lied. he didn’t. So I just decided to leave it alone. It was as easy as that. 

or so I thought. 

So sunday rolls around. I take a break from laying out by the pool, and decide to make myself some lunch and check on computer stuff. I saw this one of his friends was in some pictures from the bar. Of course I looked..and i knew the whole time what I knew I would find. There was about 5 pictures of him and his ex. After seeing it, it felt like my stomach dropped into my butt. There were just…I mean they had the arms around eachother..in all of them..and it made me uncomfortable..that’s how ‘over the line’ I felt it was. after a brief texting war, I called him. I told him to drop the "I didn’t think you were the type of person to care about stupid picture"

I let the ‘F YOU" fly on that one. FIRST OF ALL..if the situation were reversed..YOU would feel this feeling too. SECOND of all, I never would because I THINK about that sort of stuff before it happens. I mean he KNEW I would see those. And you are telling me and no point did he think to himself, "Wow she might be hurt if she sees this"

No? Are you kidding me man?

I just felt hurt. like shit. stupid. embarrassed. frustrated.

Not again will I let an ex girlfriend intervene in anything. Never again will I be in that situation. Never again will I let myself be hurt like that. I told him all of this plus a lot of other things. He said it was stupid, he shouldn’t have done it. 

"We are so glad he has such a nice, cute girlfriend who is actually normal."

That is what his friends told me. 

I mean that statement itself makes me know this girl is ‘one of those’ girls. 

And another thing that bothered me. On Friday after he told me about the bar I asked him, "Does she still have feelings for you?"

his response, "She has enough guys that like her."

I thought that was a bullshit response. I don’t need his opinion on that. It doesn’t matter if she does or not. It’s the fact that she is probably that type of person. 

intervene. 

When I see other couples, I smile and think ‘cute’ or something along those lines. I have never looked at couples and tried to fuck things up. Tried to hurt people. Tried to be manipulative. Tried to be a bitch. I don’t know how people can be like that. 

I am back home now, and it’s fine. Except I know those pictures are there, and I can’t help but look at them, analyze them. 

Ex’s have never been a factor with us. I want it to stay that way. But it seems like she has been texting him more, and now that whole think happened. Can it stay that way? 

I don’t want to be used or taken for granted ever again. But i mean it’s risk with relationships, always. It is just if it’s worth it. 

I don’t hang onto the past like that. I think it’s stupid and unhealthy (when it comes to relationships) and leads to no good. If you want to hang onto it, just stay there and try things out again. 

It doesn’t seem that hard. 

It is at points like this where trust really comes into play. and I think I am getting better at realizing that. But again it is hard sometimes.

That is all I really got for now..hopefully with this being in here, it can get out of my head. Hopefully.