public disruption

This is going to mark the end of my public entries. For some reason I have been to lazy to click that box for favorite only, then I stopped caring, and now I care again.

So If you aren’t all ready of my favorites list, please leave me a note and I will give you full access to my craziness 🙂

I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I am starting to think it was a colossal mistake to start "dabbling" in this long distance thing. When we made contact again, it was amazing. When we started texting and NOT just saying office quotes, it was amazing. When we skyped for the first time, i cried…cause it was amazing. But now it is starting to feel different. I have looked over our texts from the last couple weeks and they are completely scarce. He has gone back to Ohio rather than stay in VA because he is happier there.

See, my thing/fear is, I have made myself completely vulnerable in this situation; set myself up to be 100% heart broken (again?). I am sorry, but I love him. I do. I am not just holding on to the good memories, it has nothing to do with being lonely or afraid of being single, I am just in love with him and want so badly to believe we are going BE. But I cannot do this by myself. I absolutely need communication or some sort of…of something. If we are going to do this, really DO this, then it has to be a 50/50 partnership. I want a partner…

I am starting to feel like this may have all been a big mistake.

But I need to make these mistakes (if that’s what they turn out to me) on my own, otherwise i have a tendency to wonder.

I am so happy here. Happy in my apt, happy with my jobs and happy that i have Kitty back.

But I need the next step to start coming together. I need to know if Josh is part of that next step. If not, then I need to let it go. Which will break my heart…yet again…