Looking ahead.

 Since I am not one for making my life sound better than it is..I thought it was time for a real honest update. I know I have been lacking that as of late. 

These past couple months have been pretty tiring..trying? Both of them work I suppose. I have been having a lot of thinking to do..a lot of..yeah..thinking. 

Isn’t communication one of the most important things in a relationship? Isn’t your significant other supposed to be your best friend..someone you should want to turn to first with things? Even talking about your day..little things..all of that is fundamental stuff..right? So Josh and I really don’t talk. Whenever I bring this up..or other things like it..his reply is, "we live toghether"

What does that even mean? Just because we live together doesnt mean our relationship is going to work..it doesn’t mean things are going to fix themselves..it doesn’t mean we arent going to have problems..I get really frustrated with that. 

I have been getting a lot of advice, but the best came from my mom. Last monday (after a terrible Sunday night which almost was a break up..lots of tears and me sleeping in our closet) I broke down and met my mom at her work and went home with her. I just needed to breathe. I finally told her what has been going on,,and she was hurt for me. It meant a lot..as weird as that sounds. She gave me a lot of good advice..but the best thing she said was that she loved and supported me no matter what. It was really great. 

Josh has his own stiff going on..school stuff and kind of facing mistakes and trying to fix them. Man I just want to be involved in his life..rather than sometimes feeling like we just exist together. (he hates when I say that) 

He is kind of the type that like to sweep things under the rug. Tuesday when I got back to our apt, he kind of just wanted to act like nothing the past 2 days had happened. I do not operate that way. thursday I told him that I didn’t think I was the right person for him. I would do anything for him. I really would. But I look at his friends and the type of lives/people some of them are..i just don’t fit that. 

Ok, sidetracking.. I blocked his friend kortney from my FB. She is probably one of the most fake people I have ever met. Every time she updates it’s about how wonderful her life is, blah blah..and that is totally not how things are. God I hate FB and how easy it is for people to glamorize their lives on it. I love real people. Everyone goes through hard times..faces challenges..makes mistakes. Own up to it, don’t try to put out this image that you are just untouchable. I feel like I am in competition. like she has known Josh for way longer and calls him nicknames that I am not part of. It like they try to pull him backwards. "OMG move back to cottage grove"! why..so he can get some girl from HS pregnant and live a crap life and make yours look better? She was the one who was all nice to me when I first met her "oh his ex was so crazy and is on so many drugs, I really only hung out with her because of josh..she is weird" And you know what? I find out later that they are great friends. That SHE is pretty much a big reason that Josh went to her birthday. Sabotage? I mean It is a mirror image of what I am sure my life would be like if I still lived in Blaine. If I still hung out with the same dead beets from highschool and never really experienced living on my own. (living a mile away from your parents doesn’t exactly qualify when we are in our mid 20’s)

It is just all so immature and I have no time for that. like I said..i am pushing 25 and crave being an adult and living a grown up life now. I mean they have parites at their parents where some kid got beat up so bad he was in a coma..christ! AND they have a kid..AND her husband is almost 30. Jesus it is just time to grow up.

Ok, sorry I desperately needed to get that out. But yeah I have had her blocked now for like a week, and it’s been a joy to go on FB now. i just hope no one notices so I don’t have to unblock and make up some story. 

Anyways i’ll try to get back on track. I know I have my crazy moments and that we fight and have our issues. But the thing is..everyone does. We have been going out for 15 months..that is nothing if you think about it. problems are only going to keep coming, and issues are going to get harder and harder as life goes on. Learning how to deal with them is part of growing up, but I feel like he doesn’t want to deal with anything. I don’t mind sitting around watching tv and stuff..afterall, I am a total homebody. But all the time? While him and Leif smoke weed and zombie out? Not everyday. I like to be taken out…to go do things. Have things done for me. I feel selfish saying this but I asked him like 2 months ago if we could go on a nice date. I am still waiting for it. He said we could go see Harry Potter (which I have been dying to see) and we still haven’t..he never wants to. I just get sad sometimes. I don’t want to get fucked over..don’t want to get hurt..but i think that may be what is destined to happen. But fuck..I just love him so much. I really do. 

also..there is my health stuff. I have to get a colonoscopy, and I have been having to have a lot of tests done with my heart. At first he didn’t ever talk to me about it..didn’t really show any concern. And I got overly jealous of this because one of his friends is going through cancer stuff (another thing he never talks to me about) and everytime she posts something on FB, he puts on his lovey dovey cute messages..he gets email updates when she write in some sort of journal..I just felt like I had to carry the worry by myself because I didnt have cancer. like my stuff was less important. he always says he is not a talker..not like that. But sometimes it seems like he is, just not with me. 

wow this is getting long. God and I hate that his mom write on her FB all of the time. Am I always being compared to someone? It’s like, I don’t do drugs, I have an amazing family, I grew up pretty normal..I have strong morals and am in love with Josh and would do anything for him. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I always have to feel not good enough? Always feel like I have to change. dammit

On a plus note (I knew there was one in here) I am making friends finally. I am going to Vegas in a couple of weeks for a business conference. I am beyond excited. Going with people from my major, and rooming with new friends. Andrea and I (don;t get me started on the name lol) are going there 2 days early for a mini vacation. The other 4 days will be crazy with meetings and presentations. it is a first though..first time for me going somewhere not with family..pretty much on my own. It is crazy since i cannot really financially afford this trip, but it is something I had to do. And I know I wont regret it. 

jeez. I think that is all I can get out at the moment..not that this thing isn’t long enough. 

it feels so good to let some of this out of my head though.