I think I’m losing where you end and I begin

This is the 3rd time I have tried to write this entry. I guess no one will know if I don’t finish it though. I get as far as one sentence and then I just lose all motivation to write. 

Ok, well I have passed the first sentence wall..so hopefully this entry will stick.

It’s official. Josh, Leif and myself are all going to live together. Well, I shouldn’t say official..we turned in an application for the apartment we wanted, and are now in the waiting process I guess. I really hope we get this place. It has walk in closets, a dishwasher, an outdoor pool…and the bedrooms are separated by the living room- which is a huge plus and pretty hard to find.

I am really excited about this living situation. I remember how scared I was to bring that topic up with Josh..took a few cocktails before I could spill it. And here we are. 

I had a minor melt down last week. Things were building up in my head, and of course mix that with some drinks and pissed-offness and it is bound to come out. I made some stupid comment like "maybe you should just be with someone else, or go back to your ex" Something super childish like that..and he just let it out. He said that if I was going to keep thinking about that and letting it eat at me all the time, then we should just break up. He said he would never hurt me like that, or do that to me..that he loved me. But if I couldn’t stop letting things get out of control in my head..we should just end us now. I stared off for about a minute, then i just started bawling. He came up to me and held my head and I just said that I was terrified. Terrified of losing him. Which is true, but in a ‘I love him so much way’ not in the other way which i can’t put into words. And I have said this before. Either I trust him fully, which could backfire…or don’t trust him and end up driving myself crazy and push him away. I know this. I know that I trust him..but my head gets too nuts sometimes. I am an emotional cutter. It’s like I look for ways to hurt myself. like I get in a bad mood and go on facebook and look for things that will hurt me. Who does stuff like that? It has nothing to do with Josh..it’s like I dont feel like I deserve to be happy and I need to find ways to remind myself of that or something.

Like the past few days I was thinking to myself, "I wonder what she said about those pictures getting off his facebook, I wonder what he said back."

WHO CARES!! FUCK. 

And I was downstairs and on FB and I saw that she had one of those stupid fing pictures as her profile picture. I was livid. But I calmed myself down..didn’t say anything. I went out on my balcony and just sat and stopped my thoughts. I mean honestly. So obviously I know what kind of person this chick is. By doing this stuff she obviously wants to cause some sort of reaction. As soon as I thought about that, I stopped. I am not 15 anymore..I am 23 and in love with a great guy. I am not going to let this shit get into my head anymore. I am not going to get other people get in the way or try to mess things up. Everyone has an ex…most people have psycho ex’s. There is a reason they are not together anymore. So I’m done. I keep forgetting that I am an adult and that I can have a mature relationship. That the best way I can handle things is just to be as happy as I can be with Josh. Isn’t that really the best reaction to everything? It’s a choice. 

Yeah, it won’t be that easy all the time..but I swear I am going to keep trying my hardest. 

I have never been this happy with a guy. that is a fact. I love him so much. that is a fact. 

I trust…fully. Have I ever done that before? I don’t think so. 

I just need to really build up my confidence. I hate feeling (sometimes) like I don’t deserve this. Like I don’t deserve to be happy. Like I am always going to get fucked over. Like everyone is better than I am.. But you know what? I was pretty fing damaged, and I have come a long way since all of that shit. Everyone has shit that they need to get past, to work on. And that’s all you can really do, just keep working at it and try your hardest to get past it, to make yourself better. 

I really need to stop letting things build up inside me. That is a tough one because I have done that my whole life, with everything, not just relationship stuff. I think that is where I get myself into the most trouble. But again, I am trying really hard to stop. 

I don’t know where I am trying to go with this entry. 

i guess after 3 failed attempts, shit gets a little out of focus. 

Has anyone heard the song ‘January Wedding’ by the Avett Brothers? I really don’t like a lot of their other songs, but that song is just great. It’s so pretty and the lyrics are fantastic. I recommend it. Also, the XX is a great band. That’s my music advice for this entry. 🙂

This felt good.