I don’t know, but I’ve been warned.

I think I am due for an update. 

I am finally over my sickness 100%, so that is pretty amazing. 

Yup, that was my start off.

I have been doing a lot of…a lot of..thinking…but not thinking..contemplating? Something like that. 

I was pretty sad last week..

So I guess I should start at the beginning. 

I got Josh Wild tickets as a valentines surprise. I got them like 3 weeks before valentines day and was pretty proud of myself for not spilling. So the game was the Friday before valentines day. So that Wednesday before I did like a little ‘treasure hunt’ things, I put a few clues around his room and stuff that led him to the tickets. (I think I do things to other people that I have always wanted done to me lol) so yeah I had told his friend Kortney that I was getting him tickets, and turns out her and her husband decided to go to the game as well. It was a lot of fun and we ended up being able to sit like 8 rows up from the ice. It was really cool. I don’t fully understand everything in hockey but I had so much fun watching the game. They lost though. So after that it was back to Nick and Kortney’s house. It was great. I had a bottle of wine with Kortney and we talked a lot. She lost her mom around the same time frame as my dad. We talked a lot, and she told me a lot of great things. She said she had never seen Josh this happy..that he had never really talked about significant others before, but he talks about me a lot..stuff like that. So I think all of that was building Sunday (valentines day) up for me. 

We ended up leaving their house at like 2 AM and driving back up to school. It was then that I finally was able to spill about wanting to live with him next year, It was all just great. 

Saturday we went to Mongos with his roommates and it was good. blah blah blah cut to the chase..

Saturday night before I went downstairs to sleep..I started to get the feeling like, ‘he is totally not doing anything for tomorrow’ BUT I stopped myself because Josh has that type of sense of humor where he would play it up that he had nothing planned to make me mad..and then he would be like, "Just kidding!" So I stopped the sadness, and went to sleep.

I woke up Sunday, showered and waited for him to text me. He finally woke up at like 1:30 and told me to come up there. I did. he was on his computer and I sat on his bed and just kinda waited. Then it hit me. he really had nothing. No card..no sweetness. nothing. So my sister finally called back and I went down in my room to talk to her. I basically asked if I had a right to be mad. "Um yeah you totally do. It is bullshit that he didn’t even give you a card or anything. But hold it together and just try and talk to him, if you want. Maybe you should just come home" 

So I went back up. He was watching tv, I sat next to him and just stared off. I was just sad. Not even mad. Just sad. So he tried to hug me and say ‘be happy’ and I just started to cry. Which is not what I wanted. I stopped myself pretty quick and i could tell he didn’t know what to do. "Let’s go to noodles," he said. so we went to my car and I pretty much said it all.

I said that he made me feel horrible. That I did not understand WHY he didn’t do anything,. At first he tried to give me the , "I don’t really buy into this day" shit. But then I said "I mean I gave you those tickets on Wednesday, so you knew in advance that I was doing something for you..I even told you a week before that I had a valentines surprise for you. So knowing that you still didn’t do anything" Him-"How can I compete with Wild tickets?" Me- "It isn’t a competition. I gave those to you because it was something you like." then he started to back off and say "I mean I thought about writing a card, but I just didn’t do it." me- "I hate this day and that this is a big deal. I don’t care if we would have watched movies all day, but it’s just the fact that you didn’t say anything, it’s like it didnt cross your mind. I do so much for you and I feel like you don’t give a shit about me." he said he was sorry. So all I could do was drive. when we got to the stoplight, he hugged me and said he loved me. We got to Noodles, he tried to buy mine, I didn’t let him. neither of us said a word to each other. It was awful. I was done though. done being sad and just wanted the awkwardness to stop. I asked him if I should just go home.he said no. On the drive back I asked what he was thinking, "How this day could get any worse"

So we got back and I said I was going to change. "Ok, come up when you are done."

So I did. I got up there and he had his homework out and the only place to sit was where I had to basically just stare at the wall. After it was apparent that the silence wasn’t going to end and that he wasn’t going to acknowledge me, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I got up and said I was just going to leave. he said, "Give me a kiss." I shook my head and left. I came down and waited for him to come to me. I should know better. I called me sister back and just bawled. When I got off the phone with her, after she told me to leave and go somewhere, to not go up there, I knew I wasn’t going to follow those orders. I waited for him to text me, and when my patience ran out I texted him "Now is not the time to not make the effort."

"I have no idea what to do right now" was his response. 

I called him. I ended up hanging up. Again I waited for him to come down. Nothing.

So I of course went up. He saw my face and got up and held me. I laid down on him and he kept saying how sorry he was, that he felt really bad and hated to see me this upset. I kept saying I just didn’t understand. sometime in there Tim called and Josh was like, "I bet Turi is going to hate me now. And you mom and sister too." Then he actually started to cry. I think that is when I knew how bad he felt. He said again that he was so sorry. 

That was that. We both took a nap together and had a normal day.

Ok. I hate that valentines day is a big deal. But it is. Like I said..watching movies and ordering in would have been so great. But he didn’t even say anything about it. He could have torn a piece of paper out of a notebook and written something stupid on it. But he didn’t. It just made me feel like complete shit. Like he could care less . Like he was taking me for granted. I don’t want to sound selfish, but I do so much for him. But that is just the kind of person I am. After that day I thought I should be less nice. But I don’t know how. 

So last week was still off. I started my new job and had a huge test for my job. josh got sick and I dropped everything to take care of them when I should have been studying for my test. I didn’t take my test that next day because I stayed up there til 3 AM laying with him. It’s my fault because I make myself that available. But I felt like when it came to anything in my life, it didn’t matter. But if it was something with him, I dropped everything to help or do something. So Wednesday we had another ‘discussion’ about that. 

Things have started to even out now though.

I have been taken advantage of before. A lot. and I do not want to d

o that to myself again. I think that is why this all spilled out like it did. I think it just scared me. I just know what I deserve, and I don’t deserve to be treated bad. I would like to think I have learned that much. I would like to think that I would take myself out of this if it got to that point. I would like to think that. 

So yeah I had conversations with a few different people on the topic. Tim suggested I stop making ‘the moves’ that I stop texting, that I stop making it known how much I want to see him..that sort of stuff. Isn’t that game playing though? But I know what he was trying to say. And I am sure him and my sister are both right. It is just easier said than done. 

Man this is a long one. 

I am going to stop there. I will update again about work and less heavy stuff. 

again..I am making almost ALL of my entries ‘Friends Only’ If you want to be added to that list, please message me. 

That is all 

Bri