head in the clouds

i should be studying. I mean who has a test the day of break? I was all prepared to go home today, but then in the one class I can skip all of the time, we actually have a test. Go figure.

I have mixed feelings about this break. I am excited to go home for longer than 2 days..and I feel that this will be a..how do I want to say this..a proving something break? I hate when I cannot think of the right words.

It’s easy here. Just coming right up the stairs when I want to see him, just a text away. Nothing really to interfere. Nothing from home to weigh in on decisions. I am sure I have  said this before..it is kind of a first for me because I am going into this without knowing anything about josh pretty much. I mean with Erik I knew all of his friends before we started dating..I knew who was who..which I guess not having this knowledge right now is kind of making things harder? I guess you sort of take for granted small things like that.

I had an revelation the other night. Why would I not trust Josh? It’s either trust him and take the risk of getting fucked over..or not trust him and get jealous about everything and push him away. But of course with me, it is easier said than done.

I am 100% sure that I am falling in love with him.

And it makes it tricky because I have to be careful of how to proceed.

But why?

I mean fuck I am 23 years old. I feel like I should be in a different rules bracket. like everything should be a little easier. But that would be too easy.

I hate the people that have given me this perception of myself that is not up to par with what is really should be. Jimmy fucked me up. I mean I never really grasped it at the time, but he was pretty mentally abusive. Not to mention the cheating on my constantly part. And to be honest, I have pushed most of that out of my head and moved on from it. But there are times when all of the bad things come flooding back in.

I don;t think the detective part of my head will ever go away.

This is turning out to be really negative. I don’t want it to come off like that. Whenever Josh’s friends or family call..they ask about me. What does that mean? That he talks about me. Has that ever been the case for me? no. So you can imagine how mad I get at myself when I get stupid about things when I have no reason to be..well with him anyway.

And when I talk to my sister about it she always brings up maturity. I really think it has nothing to do with that. I think that I will let everything go when I put my trust in someone and I get something positive out of it.

Ugh this is going nowhere.

I am realizing how much I miss this thing. Such a great way to relieve pressure in the head 🙂

It just makes me cringe now knowing what he goes home to. what his friends are like. What he is like around them.

I have gotten a small taste of it and it was..ugh I can;t even write about this anymore. I need to shut my mouth.

I am not a center of attention type of person.

I am shy when I first meet people

I am not slutty

I am awkward

I burp a lot

I don’t skank out when I go places

Why do I think these are bad qualities? I guess i don’t but i have never really been able to just ‘meet someone’

ok. i think I have officially started to confuse myself.

But this was much needed and made me feel a lot better.

I think I will keep this trend going. Of writing I mean.

If you though this was confusing..imagine what it is like inside of my head.

haha?