Flooded.

 I tried to start my 10 page research paper, but I guess I have too much other stuff going on inside of my head. 

I wrote a rager the other day. It was the first on purpose private entry I have written in a really long time. It felt good. It was just anger at myself pretty much. 

I have been doing some really dumb things, and today it hit me why I was doing it. The 2 year date is fast approaching, and I have been feeling completely numb. So these past few weeks I have been looking for things to get sad about on FB. ANYTHING related to that dumb bitch, I would try to make myself mad/sad/anything. But I realized today that I am using that as a way to get my emotions out. It’s like I can’t get sad about it on its own, I need another way to start it off or something. Does that make sense? It is totally nuts. So that is pretty frustrating. I am just hoping I can keep the anxiety down and not break out in hives like I did last year. 

In other news. I am glad today it over, I got no sleep last night and of course had to have one of those crazy mornings where I went through like 7 outfits and just felt I looked like shit in everything. Awesome. And then one of my students didn’t show up which was cool because I didn’t have to work as late, but sucked cause I lost 2 hours of pay. 

Bleh I just lost all motivation to write this. 

I wish all that crap when I was on vacation wouldn’t have happened. It’s like it opened a flood gate. I just wish I could stop being so numb about my dad and start feeling it like normal people and not have to have a different source for my emotions. Pretty sure that is sad enough. 

When will I start feeling like I deserve this? 

I remember after everything happened, I felt like nothing could ever hurt me again. I didn’t care what anyone though of me, because nothing felt like it mattered anymore. Suddenly that feeling has gone away. I hate caring about other people. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. People that say they don’t care what people think are liars. Everyone does. 

I missed Felicity, I forgot how much better that show can make everything 🙂

That’s all I can get out I guess, not as good as I had hoped. 

Wasted

You tell the truth when you could have lied.