Dad

I have been having a lot more nightmares about my dad lately.

In them, my dad is back. he never really died, he just had to pretend for awhile. In them my mom is still with Tom and decides she wants to continue with things that way. Last night in this dream, my mom, dad and myself were grocery shopping before Tom picked us up to move my bed up to st. cloud for me. when we got to the cash register, my mom said that they were going to pay for their groceries separate. Tom showed up while we were still at the store and my dad was very rude to him. I remember going over by Tom and giving him a hug.

The dream is clearer in my head then I can write down. But whenever I have these dreams, I always end up going with my mom and Tom.

The last one I had, we were all in uptown watching a band. Everyone as in my whole dads side of the family. Tom showed up and everyone was so rude to him. I yelled at everyone, even my grandma. "IT HAS BEED 3 YEARS GRANDMA! DAD WOULD PROBABLY HAVE DATED AFTER MERELY MONTHS IF THE SITUATION WAS REVERSED!!"

I have that thought in my head because of my sister. "how long do you think it would have taken dad to start dating if the situation were reversed?" "a couple months." she replied.

Ever since I asked her that, I feel like I am mad at my dad. Mad at the thought that it would have taken him probably no time at all to move on. This is crazy. And, I think it is really unhealthy.

What do these dreams mean? I wish I could stop having them because they really break my heart.

It also gives me the childish hope that my dad is merely hiding. That one day he is just going to walk back into our lives. Of course I know that is not true, but I can’t help but act like a 2 year old and think so.

I also think a lot if the situation had been reversed. God forbid I would have lost my mom instead. I know I would be a lot more messed up. It disturbs me that I think about these things.

I had to write this down.