Call off your ghost

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I have been in a state of euphoria for the last few days, but today at work that all got pushed aside in an instant.

My brother-in-laws mom died suddenly last night. I called my sister as soon as I read my mom’s email. Then I called my mom and we both started crying on the phone. It’s amazing how fast that switch can get flipped. I hate that my sister has to go through this, that Phil has to go through this. I hate that is bring up pain from our dad that we are all feeling right now.

So it has been a harder day than I thought.

I mean I literally got an hour of sleep last night, I was so anxious, excited, nervous that I woke up at 1, contemplated just going into work, but instead watched some Grey’s and ate some cereal.

I feel like it won’t come across as the happy entry I wanted, but I still want to write about this week.

So I think I touched very briefly that I had asked this guy, Sam, out. I honestly had given up on the situation, nothing just seemed like it was materializing and I was just done texting and stuff. Sunday night he texted me and Monday afternoon he asked if I wanted to hang out. He came over to my apt and we talked and had a beer. We then went to Legends and had a couple more beers and some food. We went back to my apt for a little bit and just hung out. It was really, really fun. We talked a lot and I felt like we were putting a huge dent in the ‘getting to know each other’ area. Last night we hung out again. We went to 612 and to Dangerous Man. It seems like over the months I have written a lot about guys.

But Sam is different. I got to know him a little and decided to bite the bullet and ask him out. Now we have gone on 2 dates and it just keeps getting more and more fun. He is so good looking that it makes my knees weak, and he makes me smile so much that my cheeks are numb by the end of the night.

He walked me to my door last night and we hugged a few times and then we kissed. It was perfectly awkward, in the best way possible. "why am I still chewing this gum?"

He texted me when he got home and said that he was sorry that he kept it short but that he wants to take it slow. That is has been awhile since he dated. So no pressure. No feeling like I am in a race or that I have to, I don’t know what the phrase I am looking for it, but it was a great thing to say.

I did make a phone call to Josh after I came down from the high. I told him that whatever was going on with us was over, that I couldn’t do it and I needed it to be done. He grunted and said a couple things and as I was about to wish him luck and happiness, he hung up. I don’t know why I expected anything less. I remember when Josh and I started dating, I called Erik and told him because I felt like I owed him that much. It was a good thing and we both wished each other the best. Obviously not the case with Josh.

Even if Sam and I are a brief thing (which hopefully it is not), I know that was the right phone call to make. I did so well with cutting ties last Spring, that is was time, once and for all, to let it fully go.

I just, I just deserve this. I deserve this Sam thing to work out. I deserve to know that there is still hope for me to be carefree and happy and be treated as well as I can treat someone. Partnership. I have said that forever, that being all that I want. So for now I get to have these butterflies about Sam. Have the excitement and nervousness and awkwardness that come along with dating. The beginning of something? Only time will tell.

But for today, I am going to let myself be sad. I am going to tell my sister I lov

e her and let myself feel the full weight of those emotions again and let myself cry.