blast

I chopped my hair off. That 3 years of growing it out thing got pretty boring so what the heck. I couldn’t donate it though, I guess you need 10 inches and mine was really layered. That was lame to hear but oh well.

I seriously considered quitting school this month. I have just lost motivation and didn’t see a point in continuing when I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. But that attitude changed when I looked at my record and saw that I was still on track to graduate after apring semester. So after seeing that last night I finished up all 3 of my applications for my continuing education schools and sent out in hopes of a new path.

I also applied to UIC. A school I always wanted to attend and is a little more in my price range-unlike nyu (50,000$ a semester!)

But thinking ahead-i am not sure I am going to be able to leave home/ go far away which is why Chicago was the farthest away I applied. Yeah sure my dream was to go far away and start a whole new thing-but that was before my life made the drastic change that it did. My dad said that he was going to pay me to stay home. So in a way I feel like I owe him this-also I don’t think I want to leave my mom.

These will be testing few months. Maybe I won’t get accepted to any of them and then I wont have to make the descion at all. ha.

I am really lonely and just really sad. I am sure the holiday approaching doesn’t help the fact-but still. I feel in a very daze like state, like I am a shell of my former self. Which is probably why it is hard for me to finish my ‘self essay’.

"I am sad all the time. The end."

That one is going to take some fine tuning.

And you know what? Hearing, "Oh well you are not the first person to lose a dad" doesn’t help ok make me feel better at all. And unfortunately I have been hearing that a lot lately-not directed at me but just coming up in conversations.

i didn’t grow up knowing what it felt like to lose someone you loved. I had all my realatives/grandparents up until March. I lost my grandpa and my dad within 2 months of eachother and I never learned how to cope with grief.

boo hoo, right.

I know there are people thinking ‘it’s been 7 months almost, get over it.

fuck off.

this is how it goes…sad…angry…

I reached out to Joel. Well, I dont think asking to be his friend on myspace counts, but I did that. He had pretty much refused contact with me since we graduated so I feel this is a positive step. He was in a really bad accident a few years ago and i want to ask his advice on a few things but am really unsure of how to go about it.

So by the way..

yeah.

It would be so good to see him. It would be really good or really bad. I think really good though.

Hey at least it gives me something else to concentrate on.

I miss that feeling.

I miss feeling.

This helped.