1st real one in a while

It is hard to make a real entry sitting at school.

But now that I sit here, I am not sure how to make it any different.

I am trying really hard to find that strength deep inside me to some how forgive this.

This has happened numerous times, and I guess I never really forgave those times, I just held onto a relationship that was slipping.. And even though this happened once again before it fell all the way through, it still hurts the same.

I promised myself I wouldn’t sit through antoher one of his apologies about her again, that I wouldn’t talk to him after we broke up, as a matter of fact, the only promise i have kepts, was to change my e-mail and screen name. Of course though, he now knows my new screen name, but that was accidental.

So what are promises? a smaller version of a goal that we set just to break? That has been my experiences with them I guess.

Except I set a goal for myself, not a promise not another "I must" type deal, but an actual goal. I goal stating that I need to change the way I am as a person. And this goal goes way back before I met Jimmy, before any of the things happened with my dad, it goes back to as long as I can remember.

Something just snapped inside of me and I realized that I can no longer live like that. The past 2 or 3 weeks have been a long road to self realization for me. I see now how much I like this me better. I love how much easier it is to wake up in the morning and be happy rather then take the effort to be mad and upset all day. I love driving home with my music cranked and not think a bad thing about the lryics.

And one would think that this is because I no longer have Jimmy in my life, but lets just face it, that isnt true. He is in my life, so there for he is not to thank for my happiness. That would only be true if he weren’t in my life at all.

This just came from me. it came from a worn out me who was so sick of being like she was and finally got enough courage to do something about it.

Well well well, maybe I did have something worth while to write about after all.

Anyways, to write about  something new…

I want to be a crime scence investigator now. I have always said I wanted to do something in criminal justice, I just could never put my finger on what it was. Today in class I was touching things thinking "It is crazy how your fingerprint stays on everything you touch."

Yeah I was doing that instead of making bread lol.

I don’t know.

I love the Muse. fantastic. So the end this, I think I should just put some lyrics.

Enjoy.

~*Bri*~

i can remember when it was good
moments of happiness elude
maybe i just misunderstood

all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories i will never find

so i’ll love whatever you become
and forget the reckless things we’ve done
i think our lives have just begun
i think our lives have just begun

and i feel my world crumbling
I feel my life crumbling
i feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away
falling away with you

staying awake to chase a dream
tasting the air you’re breathing in
i know i won’t forget a thing

promise to hold you close and pray
watching the fantasies decay
nothing will ever stay the same

all of the love we threw away
all of the hopes we cherished fade
making the same mistakes again
making the same mistakes again

i can feel my world crumbling
i can feel my life crumbling
i can feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away
falling away with you

all of the love we’ve left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories i will never find
memories i will never find