The Past Never Goes Away…Not Really.

I had a really odd day yesterday.

Everything was good. I went to Baby 101 for Little Man. I fed him, changed a diaper, swaddled him, comforted him. It was all ok. I was honestly surprised at how natural it was, and how at ease I was. This odes not mean that I want a baby, but it’s good to know that I won’t kill any baby left in my care! *laughs*

In any event…

I’ve been feeling odd the last few days. Anti-social, not wanting to go out, but then being restless and bored at home. Normally it’s one or the other – I’m anti-social, but content home alone. I’m restless at home, but I feel the need to go out and be social.

Let me fast forward.

I left Baby 101, agreed to meet up with Sean for a late ‘dinner,’ and then decided I didn’t want to go home for just a few hours.

One of my favorite things to do is drive. Aimlessly, wandering. So I decided to go for a drive. I debated on where I wanted to drive, and I suddenly had the overwhelming urge to drive to the town where I used to live with my ex-husband.

I have no idea why. It’s a good 45 minutes away, and there was nothing there for me.

I did it anyway.

I drove, remembering good and bad things. I drove by his business. I drove by his mom’s house, where we’d stayed together for awhile. I drove by our first apartment. Then I drove by our house.

I wanted to pull into the driveway. Ring the bell. Grab him, shake him, demand to know why. After all this time, I still want to know why. Why you would treat another human being the way he treated me. Why he married me in the first place. Why he decided I wasn’t worth working things out with.

It’s hard for me to say all this, because I don’t have any regret. I know leaving was the right move after how violent he was. And I honestly have a great life, one I would not have without the strength I gained throughout that ordeal.

But I still want to know why.

I need to accept that some questions in life just have to go unanswered. I’ll never know what it is in Jeff’s pathology that made him act that way. I think he’d tell me it was me, that I was the problem, and I know that’s not true anyway. Someone does not get that violent towards their romantic partner without having some sort of predisposition towards thinking that behavior is OK. I wouldn’t just haul off and start screaming at, spitting on, grabbing Sean violently…because I know that is NOT OK.

I’m kind of rambling here. I just wish I knew where this thinking, where this need came from. It’s been three years since I left. Today is my second anniversary with Sean. I am happy with him. I am happy with my life. I usually don’t even think about Jeff. I don’t know where this all came from.