SAD Sucks.

I’m feeling more and more panic regarding social situations. I’m concerned that the Lexapro may not be working or that there is some other pathology that is rearing its ugly head. Is it possible for SAD to become drug-resistant?

I have a great new friend, Katie. Tomorrow’s her birthday celebration at a local bar. I am dreading going. To the point where I think I’ve made myself sick in order to have an "excuse" not to go.

I wonder why this is coming on like this, but at the same time I have a vague idea. I’ve been working 50-60 hours a week and have left no time for myself. I think that maybe this SAD is a response to the desperate need for some time alone. Inconvenient, really, as I do enjoy my friends and my social life. I just dread it right now, for whatever reason.

I’m pretty sure it’s also due, in part, to my flagging self-esteem that has been present since I’ve gained weight. I’m not happy with how I look, and that lack of confidence and displeasure is starting to bleed over into other aspects of my life.

I wish I had time to fix myself. Right now, it’s just about going and going and going. I need to make the money now, because both of these positions are temporary at best.

I’m tired but I can’t sleep. I spend the day working and not eating, barely even moving. This can’t be good.

It’s crazy. I think Zoe is even noticing. She’s been so much more ornery lately. She peed on our couch again for the first time in a long time, and she also threw up in front of her litter box. I feel badly for her. I need to give her more attention.

She’s going to be really pissed when we’re in California.

I digress.

I half hope that my plans for Saturday don’t pan out so I can just hang out and ignore the world for a little while. Maybe spend some quality time with the fam.

I did have a nice break last night. My good friend Nicole and I went out to dinner, and she brought her son Liam. He’s 19 months and sooooo freaking cute. He’s started walking and even speaks a bit. I was able to feed him applesauce and play with him. I loved seeing him smile and hearing his little laugh at the silly things I was doing.

I know that I’m ready for kids some day. But I didn’t have that automatic ovary-tugging like "OMG I NEED A BABY NOW." But I realized yesterday especially, some day will be nice. Children, while a lot of work, worry, sweat, blood, and tears…are rewarding as well. And it’s a reward I can’t wait to earn. When the time is right.

I just ate a wrap and a bunch of french fries. My brain is officially dead for the night.