Not With It

It’s funny, I had a fave describe the exact situation I feel I’m in today. She said she doesn’t write as much as she should because she’s afraid of what people will say.

I get that. Honestly.

When I started here again, I didn’t have anybody. I was more free to write like I pleased, write about my true feelings and what was really happening in my life. But then, something miraculous happened – I made friends. I made friends that I wouldn’t trade for anything. But at the same time, they’re friends who know me so well, and who I am so afraid of disappointing.

It’s a problem I have always had with myself, the need to be perfect. Even if my world falls down around me, I’m going to smile and act like life is just grand. I know. I’ve seen me do it.

But I’m not going to come here with excuses anymore. I’m not going to come here with half-truths. I’m not going to censor myself. It’s silly to do that in a diary, I think. But I found myself doing just that.

So, here’s where we’re at…

I’m depressed. Deeply. I don’t know why or what’s really wrong with me. I spent the last three days laying on the couch and going to work. I can’t sleep. I want to eat everything in sight. My mind is a big, numb wasteland. I have horrible dreams and memories of even unhappy times creep in on me with nostalgia. Even memories of my ex-husband.

I have lost all interest in everything. My house is a wreck. I can’t find it in me to love myself enough to take care of me. I know that’s an odd sentence, but I’m on a roll here.

I feel like I’ve lost my way. I used to have goals to strive towards, but the good news is I’ve accomplished a lot. I am questioning why I’m here more than ever. I need to find a way to fulfill myself again. Learning is always a good possibility. Diving into a new project will certainly help.

But at the same time, I worry so much that my life will just be a string of these projects to keep me happy and motivated. To keep me busy. Do I have to consume myself with all of these things to ignore the hurt I feel deep inside? I don’t even know why I hurt. I’ve been through a lot, but I am through it for all practical purposes.

There’s something dark in me, something that won’t stay quiet for terribly long. I see that same dark, destructive force in my brother. It scares me. I don’t know how to combat it.

I’m scared. I’m really, honestly frightened.