05/25/2011

So after my drunken episode, I am feeling better.

I hate that my first instinct was to turn to alcohol. That’s not healthy.

Sean and I had a very long talk the other day, and I told him about the drinking. He was upset, understandably. We talked more about the changes he has made, and he told me that it really resonated with him when I told him I didn’t make him change. He realized he has a lot of growing up to do. He said he now has this inner calm whereas before he was just roiling with emotions and fear and doubt. He said I had changed him, and he didn’t regret it.

I told him I didn’t think I was in love with him anymore.

That was not easy to say.

I am not sure where we go from here. But we are trying. I think we both want the same thing, and we want to be on the same page. It’s just a matter of trying to get back to that place where we were happy.

I am trying to get back to being happy myself. I’m trying to figure out what makes me happy – learning new things, arts and crafts, projects of any kind….just to start.

I went back to the gym tonight and started with yoga last night. I’m doing so because of my back. It’s only gotten worse. The pain was so bad the other night that I took a Flexeril and knocked myself out in order to sleep. I try to move every half-hour or so, but I find that I’m still stiff and sore. I’m seeing the chiro tomorrow again, and I hope he has something good in store for me. If not, I may just stop going. It’s $25 a visit for not a ton of benefit at this point.

Things are going well at work. I’ve been approved for additional hours, and thank Goodness. I need the time to get work done and the extra money certainly won’t hurt. Now if only we could find someone for this position so I can go back to my sweet blissful abstracting and follow-up job.

I am still having difficulty finding the time and/or motivation to do things I need to do – like clean the apartment, do laundry, cook, etc. But I will get there. I know I will. I have been good about taking my medication, I have been good about communicating with Sean, and I have been very social (for me)! It’s only a matter of time before the rest comes back around. *nods*

On that note, time to relax, watch The Big Bang Theory, and have a late dinner. 🙂