On being a Terrorist: It’s lonely as Hell….

Evidently, to my most recent coworkers, I’m "as scary as Hell". This is according to my Nurse Administrator, who is a funny and friendly woman who is new to the job. She is my favourite person right now. She is a hopeful presence in a place that is, essentially, Draconian in it’s process.

 

She said I ‘terrified’ her when she first came, and the 2 new doctors ( just out of their residency, and religated to our ward) have commented on my terrifying nature in the first couple of behind the scene meetings they’ve had in order to faciltate ‘everybody’s’ adjustment. Part of my ‘terrifying’ assessment comes from the fact that I know the patients much better then they do right now, and part comes from my dry way of offering report every day. I lack in political skills.

 

Meanwhile, there are patients who find comfort in me, and others who blame me for their afflictions…it’s so hard being perfect, and I do it so imperfectly. But being a point of constancy in a world of change offers some people stability and reassurance .

 

And other people get sicker, in this sick system.

 

I play a part in this.

 

And the Therapy Aides? They’re my coworkers too, and I’m doing an Ok job of providing supervision, and facilitating a smooth operation as far as they’ve let on…I’m still welcome at their parties, but there is that strange separation between us, like one might see between the oppressively supervised  supervisor and the marginal and  underappreciated front line worker ..(Even in the midst of our facilty’s drive of a ‘Respect’ campaign. I think our bosses want us to stop bitching about them,  so ‘Respect’ has become a hot topic. Otherwise, people might start to wonder about the redundancy of our administration, and their strategic, but  fatuous, regard for the people we provide services to. It’d be nice to see their faces on the units more often.)

 

there are many levels of sick dynamics going on in any  group of people/corporations, and " Sanity Services" seems to attract the most passionate of players. I am tired of being a cog in this wheel.

 

And it’s very lonely, being a ‘terrorist’. I hardly have the heart for it anymore.

 

But I come home everyday, and try to make my agenda more comfortable for myself….for example, high on my list of priorities for tomorrow is bathing Ms. Reilly…she is doing poorly, and can’t wash herself. I don’t think she’s bathed  properly in 2 weeks.

 

I might even say so in report tomorrow.

 

If this is a scary attitude, in the midst of all this stupid bureaucracy, so be it.

 

I am getting very tired of my job.

 

But I’ll be happier if I can avoid all the  bullshit and assist Ms Reilly tomorrow.

 

Everybody gets stinky once in a while. But it’s lonely.