Trouble in heaven

Everything is fine. Everyone is healthy enough, my family, my friends, they are all good. I have a good job, I’m buying my first apartment, the sun is shining outside…and yet, I’m crying while listening to The National at 4PM of a monday.

I am just so lonely, so tired.

My 340lbs body can’t gather strength to do simple daily tasks so everything is so messy and dirty, even at work I’m having so much trouble concentrating that I’m here instead of doing what needs to be done. And the worst part is the guilt, when I look around and see nothing wrong I feel so guilty for feeling like this. There are people dying all over the world at this instant, so manny problems and the world don’t stop spinning, yet I have difficulty doing such simple things…it’s such an ungrateful thing to do, but I keep feeling it…It’s embarrassing, so embarrassing that the only way I can vent this feelings is at this anonymous diary…

There is such a complex web of feelings under my chest that I just sit still, overwhelmed with them…pathetic, judgmental, lonely…I never thought I would think such things of myself, its like I’m somebody else entirely, like I’m losing my life to a stranger controlling my body…I want to change this, I need to, I’ll change this…there is no way I’ll keep living like this.

I hope this becomes the first chapter of an epic adventure, not a good bye note.