Re: note about men addicted to porn (**Edit)

Regarding the following note:  "What is your take on men who are happily married, have good sex lives, and yet are addicted to porn?"

I am firstly inclined to observe that "addiction" is best measured by its consequences on the rest of one’s life.  So the one-sentence note there simply doesn’t give enough detail to make it clear that the man in question is "addicted" to porn.

Internet porn is rather amazing in how it has revolutionized the entire porn industry.  Convenience and discretion have been increased by thousands of percent where it concerns availing oneself of enticing porn images.  Not only that but internet porn has allowed a much more vast realm of humanity to be displayed for visual consumption that had been the routine in magazines before the internet came along.

A great and pleasant surprise about internet porn is that those whose measurements are never replicated in Cosmopolitan Magazine are far more widely accepted and consumed in porn than most might have anticipated.  Internet porn is still somewhat ‘new’ and ever evolving so I have a greater respect than most for (men) who are not quickly sated by a brief visit to the online porn world.

Also, I keep considering how many truly attractive people there are all around us every day, while at the same time I wonder how we could appreciate human uniqueness as much were we relegated to one intimate view of one person for what would in the minds of some be for all eternity.

So in summation I see a very high threshold for what is the unique opportunity to know the intimate visuals of unlimited numbers of what are mostly young, and mostly attractive people, without it representing true "harm" to one’s own life.  Now if the person who left that note were to report back and mention that the grass is never mowed, and the city has sent related threats, and that the person in question had lost his job after staying up all night using internet porn, I’d have more needed understanding.

I wish somehow I could really understand the median sense of what porn looks like through the eyes of women.  Far too often, in the rest of life, females more easily than males see another person and start to feel  "I should be like her" or "I need to be like her".  While aside from the over-hyped detail of penis size, men aren’t so often overcome by envy of other men.

When Kobe Bryant (or the high-visibility male of your choice) wears some particular garment, men don’t generally tend to rush right out and purchase the same garment in high volume just because they saw Kobe wearing it.  Yet women do that all the time with the clothing designer of the moment.  I might make an exception when the Kevin Federlines of the world showcase a unique "talking T-shirt".

Internet porn is truly fascinating in that suddenly YOU can direct your pursuits to the unique subculture of your interests in the moment.  Back in the day you were forced to consume the visuals of "Miss February" regardless of whether she matched your ideal or not.  Of course lots of men love that freedom… as well as the freedom to continue their pursuits from the privacy of their own homes and without having to buy magazines from some dimly-lit, late night enclave downtown.

I simply cannot say enough about how much the full variety of women and of female appearances does for the appeal of online porn.  I know women rush to believe that only the young and fuckable are shown there naked, and for reasons limited entirely to their youth and fuckability.  What if instead the relative abundance of the young and fuckable in porn is a product of the need for income during tough economic times, and of the widening economic gap between young and old in a troubled society?

What if, perhaps for sub-conscious reasons, the young and fuckable are reminded for so long, and from such a young age, that they are young and fuckable, that they become rather numb to that factor, and their sexuality goes off-kilter as a result?   Far too often it is the young and fuckable who find it most easy to share visual elements of their sexuality for public consumption while thinking nothing of it.  Here again is a case where society lets such people down early and then condemns them again for what is effectively their having been let-down early.    It’s just like performing the work of a prostitute in that way.

I am most typically in very high praise of the women I might see naked, and/or with whom I might have sex, yet I am certain that my appreciation of those unique people would be far less if I’d not previously gained at least a visual sense for the full variety of women depicted in porn.  The greater the seeming data set, the more unique and special will be the one person I’m with… for a one-hour session or for a lifetime.

Without more detail, I am unsure of what to say to the (woman) who is married to, and sharing a good sex life with a man supposedly "addicted" to porn.  Though I would guess that my instinct if in her shoes would be to (re-)take the dare to become (even) more directly involved with his porn consumption, while resolving to (further) open her mind to the chance he can fully appreciate both her and the vast realm of porn subjects at the same time.

If men really thought like women seem to believe men think, men would say things like:

*  She has the greatest left-buttock in the world – you should get your left buttock surgically re-made to look exactly like it

*  She has the most attractive right breast I’ve ever seen – you should have your right boob re-done to look that way

*  That woman has the optimum right eye – you really should consider getting your right-eye done

*  Her left labia is just perfect – why can’t yours be just like it? – you should have your left labia done at once

*  That other girl’s right buttock is way better than was that of the aforementioned woman with the hottest left buttock – why don’t you get that right buttock, and that other left buttock?

But no, you never hear those things,  so why not instead investigate the idea that your partners would know less appreciation for your random uniqueness had they no sense at all of why you are unique?

And of course some will respond that  "they (men) see scores of random women all around them every day, why can’t that be enough?"

For the same reason that, when you’re in the heat of your sexual exploration with one another, a guy never says:  "oh man, I was walking on Vine street the other day, and this woman was wearing the most interesting piece of fabric, and I liked it a lot, but not as much as the fabric in the skirt you wore last Thursday".

When men are in the heat of the moment of raw and naked sex with you, they are instead wanting to praise your naked bits and what they like about those bits.  And yes, sometimes their tastes really are a partial response to some

early impact of porn, just like their "type" of woman is the product not of pure random liking, but instead of some early female figure along their path.

It is really easy to be a woman walking down the street and saying or thinking:   "cute shoes!"   or  "nice haircut, who’s your stylist?"   …but men simply don’t have those options where it concerns the unique ways that various women shave their pubic regions, and yet, somehow, men are supposed to know just the right things to say to heighten the intensity while you’re fucking.

How would you feel if instead, humanity was literally in the dark all the time, and we just socialized by the Braille method, which could in ways turn upside-down the list of the most sought-after traits in a potential mate.

In closing, I would request of the anonymous noter that she share examples of what is being lost or taken away from the rest of the man’s life by his supposed "addiction" to porn.  Indeed I sense that it would be most ideal and beneficial that he become inspired by and drawn to additional vocations or hobbies so as to better round-out his existence, yet I can’t yet confirm that "addiction" is the right word for what is described.

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Edit:   To begin, the seeming writing lessons amid early notes are laced with too much poor grammar to even be considered potential improvements.

Nextly, the original noter weighed-in again, and asked that I not post her note.  She seems and would have us envision a wholesome and active member of society and of a functioning couple for which nothing is amiss.  Yet in the same note she reiterates his seeming "addiction".   If "addiction" is not taking away from the rest of life, then you are doing those around you and true addicts a great disservice by using that label.

Women around the world state every day that they are "addicted" to chocolate, and yet almost none of them are doing measurable harm to the rest of their lives by eating chocolate.

With the help of Google I just found these claimed "addictions" online:     Apples, Sonic the Hedgehog, buying lures, organizing, birds, nail polish, Shark Tank (tv show), makeup, Glee (tv show?), Madonna, stock photos, and fruit snacks.   It is a pretty safe bet that none of those people are truly "addicted" to any of those items or activities.

The original noter hints at being someone whose own instincts have her responding in ways which can only drive her husband more toward the porn and further from the marriage.  Any other course of action would in her words be "ridiculous".  The best protection for your feelings and insecurities is a great offense.

I suddenly wish I could know in full detail just how much money the porn-addicted husband spends on this porn during, say, the average month.  One of my OD faves talks at some length about spending lots of time talking with webcam girls, and while he is married, I sense him to be of the sort who might be drawn toward other things if not for a couple/few limiting factors which surround his life in the present.  (these have nothing to do with his wife, or her willingness)  The person seems to have the means to afford the webcam girls so I don’t sense that the financial impact is significant.

The original noter seemed unwilling to afford me or my readers enough detail to get the full picture and yet it seems from her noted response that she knew in advance what she wanted in the way of a reply.  Anything short of that mysterious answer would surely have earned the label of "ridiculous".