Open letter to my favorite prostitute of yore

I was caused to think about the "favorite prostitute" from the beginning of this diary, by somebody at OD who recently discovered my place here on the web, and who recently read through a large part of all I’ve written here.

My favorite prostitute, long since retired (or so I expect), does know where to find this diary and has on occasion come back here to see if it’s still here (and/or to leave some provocative barb). On the chance that she might land back here before this entry would scroll off of my first page of contents, here’s what I’d like to say to her.

 

 

Dear (Favorite Prostitute),

I continue to hold you in high regard, and I remember fondly just how amenable you were to every aspect of the truly enjoyable time we spent together so long ago. Despite what some readers wish to believe, I’m very much aware of, and OK with the understanding that your three motivational factors were, in your own words, "money, money, and money".

That doesn’t bother me a bit. You conducted yourself exceptionally well at every crossroads. You brought considerable depth and sharpness to our sessions and you let your guard down while allowing yourself to become so pleasantly comfortable in my company.

What I wanted to be in return was consistent, reliable, non-threatening, and genuinely appreciative. I hope that I never inflamed the seeming element of power said to be prevalent in encounters of sex-for-money. So much of what I gained from you came my way for reasons of my having recognized you as my equal, and as a person who, for whatever reason, was willing to barter sexual companionship for money. Your personal stories made sharing time and physical intimacy with you far more significant to me than would be a series of consecutive encounters with many different individuals who were your physical equals.

I remember how important I made our arrangements/liasons/encounters and how I allowed extra time in the way of a margin for error when meeting you or picking you up. Also, I recall that on just the second occasion we were to meet, I had a truly unpredictable (problem) arise of the sort from which I simply could not extracate myself. I learned later that you had gone so far as to drive to our previously shared hotel in search of my car. I felt so bad that night, when I was scheduled to be with you, but instead was stuck elsewhere by societal factors beyond my control.

I so enjoyed every bit of our time together, and it was great getting to know a few of your tastes. I took special care in stopping off at a store to get little treats and pick-me-ups to boost our energy during the middle of our sessions.

I very much appreciate that you had likes, dislikes, and boundaries, and you were admirable in making them clear while simultaneously describing your sexual personality. The motel at which we shared our time was cheap and tawdry but that somehow made the encounters more unique and memorable to me.

When I think of you, sure I can remember that you were "flawless from the waist down", but most of what I really care about was the sincerity you brought to every encounter. I can’t imagine being a guy who merely shared "car dates" with you, because you really had so much more to offer, and they were missing out. You educated me to such a great deal about most things prostitution, and I remember even spending a short while with you one night, while we sat in my car across the street watching the high priced working girls as they advertised their wares at curbside.

Now it is 2011, and I’d like to think you were happily entrenched in a relationship, perhaps married, and certainly with a teenager of your own now. I hope that teenager is ‘just like you’ in ways… although these would be ways that I myself cannot identify – I’d just like the sense of you either saying or secretly realizing that your teenager is "just like you" (for better or for worse).

I know that you had education and career goals abrew way back when, and that you were making good strides toward arranging things for life after prostitution. I hope that you managed to land a career position well before the recession made so many things so uncertain. Can’t imagine what it might be like for you or any other working girl past or present to need to shield your relationship partner(s) from such a significant element of your past as is having once worked as a prostitute.

Logically I am supportive of not telling such a damning secret, and societal trends are leaning toward "less history, more mystery" where it concerns divulging one’s past sexual conquests to his or her partner (a current, clean bill of sexual health works just as well). I just hope that you have some sort of an outlet for self-expression on the rare occasion when you might find that those long-ago paid sex encounters were tangent to any personal/emotional struggles happening in the present.

It would be interesting to know how your views of "men" as a whole have evolved through and beyond the time you spent doing sex work. You surely must have witnessed all sorts of men, directly and indirectly, during what was quite a significant progression from the mean streets of one city to the life of an "escort", in another, bigger city half a continent away.

I was so proud of the way you ascended to widespread public favor after you moved away, and it was plain to see that you continued to conduct yourself with much dignity long after I last saw you. So many guys wrote in such high praise of you, and the fact that they ran the gamut of societal standing really served as testimony to your poise and authenticity.

I ‘get’ that you were upset/mad/hurt to learn that I myself was considerably disapproving of the way you hurried our session along during one of our final encounters. No, I didn’t let-on at all right then (it didn’t seem appropriate to do so), but I decided not to see you soon after. For a long time I resolved not to contact you but, upon your writing to tell of your plans to move away, I was inspired to connect with you a couple of times before you left.

I still want to be the sort of person who didn’t "make waves" in the heat of the moment – on a night when you were eager to wrap-up our session so you could go out clubbing afterward – but I know it might have stung to have learned the real truth via this diary some months in the future.

In the years since I last saw you I’ve not come close to meeting a working girl who allowed me to feel as comfortable as I always was in your company. Yet, for the internet and its many stories/reviews being there, I have cause to believe that there are lots of women who ‘can’ attain that level of personal connection (for a price, I mean) with many of their clients.

There has never been another working girl in my life with whom I have shared that much comfort, that much familiarity, or that much sex. (I’ve still had sex with you more than 4x as often as with any other human being) Some people who have read this diary over the years insist that they sensed romantic feelings in my words about you, but I truly have never evolved past a deeeeeeeeeeep appreciation for your personal services. I do kno

w how very lucky I was to have known them, and I guess I wonder if I will ever enjoy another woman that much again.

My wanting for being sincere, consistent, harmless and reliable was matched splendidly by your exceptional demeanor despite us having first encountered one another at curbside in the Red Light District on such a chilly December late night. A couple of hours after we met we were cheerfully roaming through an all-night grocery store talking about silly food stuffs we knew as children, while you were buying "Lunchables" for your little one.

M.F.P…. you were… (yourself), and I couldn’t have been more fortunate than to have witnessed and shared that!

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August 7, 2011

I want to know what happened : A) the 2nd encounter – where you couldn’t make it B) the encounter that made you stopped contacting her(cos she hurried things up) C) 4x of sex with her in a single encounter? So you paid her for how many hours? I’m curious, please indulge my curiosity

August 8, 2011

I hope she sees this. Very nicely written 🙂

R: thanks for sharing. Yes I think I might have wrongly read some lines. My english is not that good, being a non-native english speaker and all. 🙂

Ryn: well there are people closest to me here in OD who want to know why I would still be up at certain hours cos I’m 12 hours ahead. Their 3pm is my 3am. And please don’t be mean.

Ryn: yeah? Never mind, I’m used to people finding irritating things about me and pick on them whenever they can. Hope it makes your day cos your notes lately have managed to make me upset.

August 12, 2011

RYN: he’s middle eastern LOL We call him Achmed behind his back. He’s terrified of me.

I’m just back on here after wedding and honeymoon so am just catching up on the last few weeks of entries! Thinking of you xxx

Hi John, these were beautiful words! also just to let you know that I finally updated Alazar with the latest news. see for yourself when you’ll get a spare minute. nothing urgent there though 🙂 {hugs} Lana

August 16, 2011

ryn – thank you thank you thank you, those were some of the most amazing notes ive ever received, and they made me feel so much better about everything =]

i have a new diary, where i write “other stuff” freely. if you wanna read it, it’s Panthiras. the subsequent entries are Friends Only, so pls let me know you wanna read them. so far i’ve only 3 entries, 2 public and 1 FO.

August 20, 2011

In the end, regardless of the standards I write about, whether I see someone again has everything to do with simply whether I genuinely like them. I liked Fred from the first words we exchanged, and every time I saw him again after that was based on a pleasurable experience of interacting with him. If it wasn’t enjoyable and I didn’t like him, I’d stop seeing him. These men that I meet through the personals, I see again if I enjoyed myself and liked them and had a natural desire to see them again, and if I don’t, then why would I see them again? Yes I write about the standards that stand out for what I like in a man; funny, strong, intelligent, successful – Fred has all those things, he is not a deviation from my standards, whether you think them antiquated or unreasonable, but I didn’t “judge” whether I liked him based on those things, I just liked him, and acted on that. I act on what I feel, not a check list. The check list is something that comes after the fact, all men and friends I’ve ever been naturally drawn to have the same things in common, so it makes sense to search for a new love with the same qualities, but still I “judge” by my heart.

August 21, 2011

ryn – i just don’t want to get my hopes up =]

August 21, 2011

“I sense that your reaction to that is somewhat similarly wired into your instincts as is a man’s urge to breed upon seeing just the right waist-to-hip ratio about a woman walking down the street. It’d be wrong to fault you for that” Actually that is almost exactly what I was thinking. That and the fact that men are less and less interested in breeding with women the older they get. It pisses women off, but it’s a fact of nature. Same as women wanting to breed with men who can survive and excel in the jungle of life. It pisses of those who haven’t achieved that kind of success but it’s nature, not morality.

August 24, 2011

RYN: “Sod off” is a very English, more polite version of “Eff off.” You were never one of the lecturers; I enjoyed your notes and still do. I have added you to the list and your words haven’t upset me in the slightest. Though I’m not sure I would have been prettier than my nan, she was an absolute knock-out in the 50s.

August 24, 2011

PS. I do normally have my fringe cut shorter and sharper, but it grows out and I’m too lazy to get it trimmed between haircuts.

August 24, 2011

RYN: Ah, I see. 🙂 I misunderstood you.

August 26, 2011
August 28, 2011

yes, i was quite relieved too. it went as good as i couldve hoped but i didn’t overstep my bounds or anything.

August 28, 2011

It’s not often that someone makes sense out of my ramblings. Thank you.

Wow, hi there!First off, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to leave me the notes you did; not just on my newest entry, but even clear back to the earliest years my diary was around, and the not-so-distant past. I adore that you note like no one else, and your comments were so unique & wonderful & flattering.Seriously, thank you for taking the time to wander back through my entries & leave me little treasure-messages to find. You seem like quite the interesting spirit, yourself—so from one to another, I’m delighted to make your acquaintance in the digital world! <3

ryn(s);; I still talk to EileenBeans here & there, actually! She’s married & happy, and welcomed a little boy with her husband… five or six years ago? I can’t remember if she was still writing here around then.I have to admit, I’m intrigued by the idea of putting together “my story,” because lord knows I’ve got pages & pages of it to pull from… I’m just weirded out by the idea of being like, HEY EVERYONE, GUESS WHAT, HERE IS MY GREATEST HITS, because OD has been my story for so long.Speaking of, if you happen to have a link to the diary of the girl you mentioned who’s been with her husband since ever, can you send it my way? I’d LOVE to read her stuff!

ryn;; NO WAY! I’ve read Megan forever! Years and years, way back before she was even thinking about kiddos… how crazy! I knew she & Nathan went back, but not that far back. Bless.& YES, you’re so right about the way she captures the thrill and glory of small-town life; I adore when she does entries about the basic day-to-day and posts pics of what it’s like her way.

A creeper (to me) is anyone who tries to flirt with me or (worse!) winks at me and they have grey hair/are old. Really it’s just the old men that us girls have to worry about.. this one old guy started asking about an employee that quit and he was all “How old is she?” (She’s 17) and it was just kinda creepy.. stuff like that.

Yes I agree with you, we make stranger to stranger interactions complicated and highly potentially awkward/creepy because people don’t really know how to be social. In fact, my boss even told me one day that she really liked me because I know how to talk to the customers, she was like “Sometimes people don’t know what to do or they just need to be taught. I’m glad I don’t have to teach you.”

[contd] but work makes it easy because there’s plenty to talk about.. and it’s my job to make conversation with the customers. Regular life situations make stranger interactions really weird/difficult. That’s why I feel like it was so tough for me to talk to people (guys in particular) when I was single. Like I’m not that kinda person that’s just gonna talk to the person next to me on the train..

[contd] or elevator or w/e. (btw, I’m really glad I don’t have to worry about that anymore lol!) But some people are really good at that. And sometimes people say they’re creepers just because they don’t make it awkward like most people do. But sometimes people are really just creepy. lol. Like, I remember when this grown man coulda-been-my-grandpa-man told me how pretty I was and that I coulda

been his woman if he were my age. I was probably 20 or so at the time. CREEPER. Clearly. Same goes for the GROWN ASS MAN with all grey hair who approached me one day coming out of the subway. He made it clear that he wanted to take me out to fancy places and told me how good looking I was and I was like CREEPER!! I told him politely no thank you and RAN. lol So there is a clear distinction for me

between creepers and just friendly people. Like my bf for example is a really friendly person. Particularly with the ladies.. lol. Anytime we go out and have a female waitress he’s always making conversation with her. It doesn’t bother me because he’s my man and he’s with me, but I always think it’s really nice that he makes conversation with the waitress (poor waiters! lol!) because I know

I know that kinda job sucks because people can be rude and messy and CHEAP. So we always try to talk to the waitress. We don’t talk to the waiters because my bf has no interest in talking to them and I’m not the kinda person who really makes conversation with strangers like that… but this whole “creeper” idea has me thinking I need to branch out and start talkin up the waiters just bc I can!

ryn;; I really, truly appreciate all the comments you’ve left me over the past few days; thank you, thank you from the very bottom of my heart for not just leaving words, but leaving such profound, inspiring thoughts & encouragement. I’ve always had the idea to really sit down & write Gus and I’s story, but it’s always sat on a back burner—now the fire underneath it is re-lit, and it’s spinning all kinds of gorgeous ideas in my head, especially considering our anniversaries (both of dating AND for our first year married) are coming up in October.Again, thank you. I wish there was some sort of… gratitude font, I guess, that would express it better ♥

August 31, 2011

Ryn: Thank you for you’re note. However, I know people can find me. I am not un aware of that and what I wrote is there to read. I am a very open person and who I am and what I do is an open book 🙂

September 1, 2011

RYN: He can actually turn me upside down with ease. It’s our favourite party trick.

September 1, 2011

Ryn – Problem is, I already do all of the obvious things. I DO walk around in nothing but a bra and underwear. And my bras and underwear are sexy. I give him body rubs and blow jobs. I do it all– except be aggressive and take control. That is what he wants, and that is where I am at a loss. Thanks for trying to be helpful though…

September 1, 2011

Just thought if you’ve heard about the “parking meter” for prostitutes they put up in Bonn, Germany. There’s an article online somewhere. Obviously they have different ideas about the occupation over there. Anyway, just an interesting tidbit I came across.

September 4, 2011

RYN: Haha, will do!

sorry for silence…too much going on right now…Mike’s taking his diabetis very badly – we both struggling with his physical challenges with literally everything – the body refuses to cooperate with the decresed to normal level of insulin. it’s not an easy time for both of us. my parents sold their flat and I booked my tickets to go pick them up for 19th of September. tbc

yesterday my dad was taken to hospital in emergency and still they cannot stabilise him…I’m in a kind of limbo what to do with all that has been planned and payed already…life’s just cannot stop rolling down, can’t she… thought, i’d leave you a msg in case I’ll have to rush off urgently and won’t have time to update everyone on what’s going on. hope you are more lucky with your summer. Lana

September 6, 2011

Hey, thanks for the note. I think you’re right. Guess I have lots of soul searching to do.

September 6, 2011

actually, it only took a day to get used to the fake boobs..i am now so used to them that they look small to me and i want bigger. Were never happy are we?

Hi, Its been a while since we’ve noted each other. I hope that you’re well. In regards to your suggestion, I’ve been single for a few years now and don’t date often so I don’t really need a graph. I also received a lot of negative feedback on my current entry so I doubt that I’ll be writing about my dating experiences going forward. It always amazes me that the people I know thebest on this site have the most negative things to say. I never mind criticism but most of the notes were way off base.

Thanks for the link, I will have to check out your fav. As for the name change, I changed my diary name almost immediately and back then you mentioned that you didn’t like when diarists randomly changed their diary b=names but I was Cosmo Girl for approx 3 months and I’ve been spilledperfume for almost 5 years. That’s how long we’ve known each other through OD.

September 8, 2011

All right, let me finally address the question that you’ve asked or commented on like 50 times, lol 1) I never liked a man going down on me from the beginning because it doesn’t turn me on and it feels gross 2) Physically no man has been able to use his tongue, mouth and lips in a way that doesn’t eventually hurt because yes, I’m too sensitive, and it becomes a game of cringing and waitingfor when he gets out of the safe area and does something painful, and that is a major detriment to getting off 3) It has a lot of submissive serving connotations, I am submissive and I want to be the one serving, not the other way around. A friend of mine convinced me he doesn’t see it that way and that he’s not submissive, so we tried it, but even with that mentality, there was problem #2, which means it is just a whole lot of work to even get it physically tolerable, and given that I don’t even find it erotic anyway, why would I want to go through all the effort and teaching? 4) It is just a huge part of 7 terrible years of fetish acts with my ex and I want to put that whole life behind me

September 9, 2011

and let me just end with the corresponding sentiment, I’d rather go down on a man a million times over than have him go down on me. do you not enjoy a woman going down on YOU? now is the time for you to explain YOUR reasons for not liking it. perhaps in the end there are those who do the going down, and those who enjoy being going down ON, and both are equally valid preferences, yin and yang.perhaps there are some who enjoy it both ways, but like you, who don’t enjoy it both ways, there are women who prefer it just one way and not the other either.

I appreciate your words. And the fact that you read more then just that one post, considering you knew I was in AP Calc. I didnt, however, know that post was public. I had meant to put it as private. As a note for myself. But thank you anyways. And I did change my settings. Im 5″2′ by the way. Since you wanted to know. If you keep up, i’ll talk about my future sometime soon, if your interested.

September 10, 2011

ryn: Haha, but I was looking at the picture as I was taking it!