Comparative fulfillment, myself & various OD women

I’m sure that many who pass through these halls perceive me to be the stereotype of some guy who drives a semi-old van with blackened/tinted rear windows, complete with a bumper sticker that reads: "If this van’s rockin’, don’t bother knockin’".

It makes for a better storyline if I am somebody who endeavors to go out there and get his stinger wet two or three times a night. Mind you, I happen to know of at least one online character who sees many of the same working girls I’ve known, and who does describe evenings of paying three individual women for sex (not simultaneously). That just isn’t me.

I haven’t any idea as to the inner workings or outlook known to men who seek little more than a faceless fuck. Were I not to see the women who provide their sexual services for a fee first as "people", then I just wouldn’t gain as much temporary comfort as I do from their company and services. Wish I could describe eloquently the wonderous feelings I know when simply gaining the consent to gently touch a woman’s naked form. It is both simple and complex at the same time. Simple in the way that what is perceptible to the female companion may not seem that much different from what she might experience after a night out at a club in her personal life.

The complex area is the seeming difference between how much physical intimacy is known and taken for granted by most or part of society, and how very little true "closeness" I have ever experienced in what is becoming a long-ish life. I don’t pretend that any of the working girls I’ve seen could realistically evolve to have any true feelings for me, beyond my representing a high hourly wage. Yet most of them are new and different encounters, each with genuinely unique physical forms which typically find me marveling with awe and sincere appreciation.

As I’ve noted here before, it is a curse that the very gentle touching and caressing I would most prefer to share, is just the sort of contact that feels ‘too intimate’ for women who are more used to being treated callously and more blatantly "used" as cum receptacles. The latter is what they ‘know’… it’s their familiarity, and they can play that role effortlessly for having rehearsed so very often.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about one particular OD woman who in many ways has the social appeal and avenues toward continuous physical affection which my life has always lacked. She is very introspective and analytical where it concerns her intimate life, and she doesn’t hesitate to make it clear that she is wholly desirous of a good boyfriend. It seems that somehow society has short-changed her, too, in the way that all that she has in terms of physical appeal seems to rate a long-term boyfriend of the sort who would never turn away.

Instead she describes lots of peripheral would-be suitors while critiquing some of them along the way, as OD women are wont to do. From what I can tell it is simply one of life’s great mysteries why this perfectly beautiful woman has yet to reel-in the big one, romantically.

She told recently of "(going out to a club and hoping to wake-up alone the next morning)" (as a mark of personal will-power, I guess???) She didn’t wake-up alone…

This woman gets her fill of the physical/sexual attention her exceptional appearance rates, and while I suspect that she feels quite satisfied by the physical pleasure and moreso by the attention she craves, even she too feels a void where something internal should maybe accompany those sexual romps.

On the same weekend this other OD’er was making it her stated purpose to go out and get male attention (at clubs) I found myself at one point about as fulfilled in NON-sexual ways as I ever tend to get. This was the result of my spending time catching up with somebody I really care about, yet who is too unrealistic for me to allow myself authentic visions of romance. My mind goes a million miles a minute hashing out invented and improbable scenarios where I could experience close personal connections (of all kinds) with this person, and yet down every single path of thought I see something so unrealistic that I won’t even release myself into "full-on crush territory".

Instead I take comfort from the evolution which has us affording one another the benefits of a true confidant, and from mutual tentative-seeming efforts at seeming/being comfortable in the presence of the other. It feels so healthy to postpone other parts of my life in order to devote time to this improbable friendship. I can always sense the positive effects on my soul from my interactions with that person. No amount of cruising the streets for sex could approach the considerable potential and importance of this friendship of considerable duration.

I’m guessing that somehow there is a parallel to the mentioned OD’er and specifically to how much more personal fulfillment might be derived from a long-term relationship than from the unlimited sexual romps due unto her based on her beauty. In a way we are somewhat similar that way – with each having availed ourselves of SOMEthing, and perhaps in such great supply that it is "the wrong thing" (when compared to the underlying intimate personal connections for which we both yearn a great deal).

Maybe I’ve simply been trained for longer to live my life mostly void of anything near to what I most desire that way, and that has me somewhat resigned to my romantic fate. Indeed she is a young adult with her whole adulthood in front of her and who will continue to rate social applications from men around every corner. With relative promise such as that this woman surely shouldn’t give up on her dreams.

She loves to scrutinize the little things about herself, as possible reasons why she might not be drawing attention from just the right guy at just this moment. For her it seems that the right one is forever hovering nearby, and she merely needs to be given cause to notice it about him (and vice versa). So time and societal values are on her side.

For myself, I tend to make-do with small-seeming glimpses of what I most desire in the big picture. I just don’t know if the fairytale will be in the cards for me. People continuously don’t understand that my dalliances in prostitution represent what have usually been my closest encounters with the personal intimacies that so many people get to take for granted every day.

If it makes anyone feel any better about me, I can recognize that this other recurrent social encounter is of much higher priority than are the working girls that I see. The lengthy friendship has at its core a shared strong regard for the continuity represented by the friendship. While it is unrealistic on the romantic scale, the friendship still brings forth in me some of the central feelings I might know if one day I were fortunate enough to become romantically involved with anyone.

Hope this might clear up a little bit about me to those who’ve not been reading here for very long.