Snakes on a Plane

So I’m on this plane, right?
(I’m excited to finnally write…..are you?  I hope I can live up to th hype)
It’s 5 am and I’m on this plane in Grand Rapids
It’s snowing
It’s early 
like fuck all early
and the captian
who always seems to have a great voice…pleasant
Like aviation school makes you do voiceover work to pass.
the captian says
the deicing truck will be out in a minute
and this fat loud guy two rows back makes a comment
it was supposed to be funny
and a few people gave him a courtesy laugh
I had thought of the exact same comment too
but had deemed it not funny enough to say out loud
so now
I hate this guy

The de-icing truck runs out of deicing fluid,
which, if you’ve never seen these trucks
look like big fire engines with cranes and the spray the plane down with a giant fire hose
this poor shlub on the end of the crane-ladder-basket type thing must be freeeeeezing his asss off
but they are out of fluid
and then the next truck breaks down
and then there is a warning light problem in the cock pit
and then there is a problem with the thing the warning light is telling them is broken
and then it’s fixed
and then they light won’t go off
so they restart the computer
and this goes on and on and on

and every time there is a new event
the smooth jazz captian tries to make us feel like we have a little bit of control by telling us what is going on
that way we can discuss it with our new best friend sitting next to us.

and every time smooth jazz says something
fat loud guy two rows back has some comment
the more smooth jazz says
the more angry fat and loud becomes.

I am flying to Davenport Iowa via Minneapolis.
I have missed my connecting flight.
Most people on the flight have missed a connecting flight by this time
but fat and loud,
he’s missed 3
he’s flying to Hong Kong
and he is pissed.

There is a feeling of helplessness that I can empathize with.
but we are all in the same boat…so shut the fuck up.

at 11 pm we get off the plane
and we are still in Grand Rapids.
6 hours of smooooooth jazz telling us 20 minutes or so and we’ll be in the air.
and I’m a little peeeeved
and fat and loud is so angry I can feel the heat off his head three rows back.
so when the announcement comes that they are going to deboard the plane
he gets up and says "fuck this" and starts pushing by people in the isle
and the woman next to me
of whom I know her whole life story
says to Fat and Loud
"Sir, there is something on the back of your suit."

And he stops and turns around to look and walks in a circle

The way a dog does

Trying to see it’s ass

From the back of his right knee, to the top of his right shoulder blade
is the biggest  wad of chewing gum I’ve ever seen

It must have been a whole bag of big league chew
stuck under an arm rest
and fat and loud had been grinding it in all morning.

Later that day we missed a second connecting flight to Davenport
and they gave away my car rental when we got to Davenport and had to use another company
and the airline lost my luggage
but the whole time I was in a fantastic mood
because all I could think was
no matter how bad my day is
at least I’m not covered in gum.
 

The world can always fuck you over harder than you think
be grateful for all that you have now.

 

 

I’m in Louisville monday night and evansville tuesdaynight and wednesday  then wednesday night  and thrusday day in Bowling green and I fly out of Nashville thursday night.

If any of you live in these areas call me and we;ll hang.

616 901 3475

Ian