It’s over

So I dumped her.

several times

each time, felt horrible. 

The emotional equivelent of cutting off a toe.

The fear and pain and hurt from the last real love of ten years ago flooded back.

The last time
it took two trips to jail and months of AA just to deal.

I drank for 14 months, alienated my family, and lost all my friends.
I was destitute fat and miserable.

In other words, I was "open to teaching".

this time

I drank for an hour and 40 minutes

8 years of sobriety down the drain.

to be fair, I was a dry drunk long before that.

I hadn’t been to a meeting in months…..many many months.

I was unprepared.

To be fair, I stopped drinking and left half a beer on the table.

I sent distress calls out on my facebook status update

calls poured in,

I made an ass out of myself on the phone.  crying and saying i’m sorrry.

The next day, I went to work.

I had to go for a drive around the block so I could scream and cry and long for my sobriety and love back.
a lunch of heart ache

then I went to an AA meeting.

I couldn’t even get through the opening without weeping like a little bitch.

Then a man, just a man, said "you’re in the right place"  and I knew he was right.

I was, and it got easier…..like before…..but faster.

So I picked at the scab.

She called.
I answered.
We talked.
I took the blame.
I was a dry drunk.
I took all the blame
I admitted my faults

I confessed my lies.
I never quit smoking.
I knew the purse was fake when I bought it.
I hate both your cats

I confessed my truths
I never cheated
I never wanted to
I loved you from the start

I asked if we could make up

She needed time

she caved three days later
"come cuddle"
two and a half hours I was there, by one AM
It was good.
I felt loved
this might just work out after all

I flew to grand rapids

and All the things that I felt were wrong, came pouring back in drunken texts and half truths.

She hadn’t gone to the gym, then she had
She was at this bar, or was it that
She was out every night, but she said she stayed in

I realized that it wasn’t my fault we broke up.
I gave her every opportunity to change

Out every night drinking but going to therapy for depression
only has two classes and no job, spends the rest of the time out with friends till all hours
can’t get a job because no time
takes out extra student loans that,
if we had stayed together
I would have had to pay back.

No interest in changing any time soon
Addicted to snorting sleeping pills for the mild halucigenic effect
just like her sister

I chronicled my thoughts and anger in an email.
I said it was over, then called and recanted, saying she needed to address the things on the list if we were ever to have a chance.

I was supposed to drive out that night.
I said I wasn’t comming

four hour later she writes me back

I need a feIw days to process, I’ll get back to you.

Then she put on her bar clothes and headed out the door.

I text
she texts
I get angry
she is drunk

"never contact me again"

"real mature, bye"

and that was the last words I heard from her
bye

The last few days have been painful…..but not life ending.

I saw a tv show once that said
"the first heart break has got to hurt that bad, like a flu shot for the heart.  The next one’ll be easier."  And it is.

so I got drunk!  What kind of relapsing alcoholic drinks for an hour and a half and leaves a half full beer?

I still have my job, and no one is the wiser,

I still have my family and I’ll tell them when I get a year sober.

I lied to a few people at work and some friends about not relapsing, but that’s just to protect my job,,,,which I’m sure would be fine even if they knew….but why risk it.  I’ll tell eventually…..when I have more time under my belt.

I dont’ crave it. 

I just crave her. 

Now I’m back in meetings. 
I’m amazed at how much I forgot,
how much I changed,
how much I need to do to keep me safe and sane on a regular basis. 

It’s not like before.  my life is unmanagable, but i have faith in the help I get at the tables……It’s worked before.

What do normal people do…..the teaches of peaches?…..show me the way to the next wiskey bar?  

there is still a part of me that wishes she’d show up, that she’d be at my front door once, in tears, saying "I made a mistake"  Ihave a job, I am no longer friends with that girl.  I just want you!

And all would be forgiven.    but I know that won’t happen.

partying and going out every night is more important than me or this relationship.  She made it very clear.

It might have been different if we lived in the same town, but she’s just too lazy to drive this far.  

She has too much pride to get us through this, and I’m fed up.

I look through our old photos and each event, seperated into different file folders, has so many problems associated with it.

I took pictures of her hanging on other guys, because if I didn’t, she would deny it when I brought it up later.
Then she just minimized it, and said it was nothing.

Pictures of her doing drugs,
pictures of her drunk, moments before I want to leave.

pictures of her filthy appartment

Pictures of her stupid cats…..(although I do miss Charlie!)

I remember her breaking up with me, months ago, over sleeping pills
when I came back over to make it right,
I had to wait in her house 
while she went out with friends to a party.
then when she was done
she came back
and we worked it out.

but what a fool I was
waiting there for her to get home from the party
thinking that I would spend the rest of my life with her
when, if she really loved me, she wouldn’t have gone at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyone watching the movie of my life would have been screaming "run you fool, run"

It still sucks though.<br />
even after what a selfish self delusional person she was
even after the hidden drug use
even after the lies 
I want to be with her

this idea of her in my head.

My dad said something today.

he told me that he and mom never fought till they had kids, and even then only a few big blow outs.

they were married for seven years before they had kids.

people in love don’t bicker, they disagreee, they may even yell, but they don’t bicker every other day.

I’m not sure we were right for eachother in the first place.

It’s wierd
I really liked Tera, but I just wasn’t in love with her, as much as I wanted to be, she showed me she loved me the way few men deserve to be loved, she loved with all her heart and I was careless with it.  I deserve to be shattered,  I’m so sorry tera.
I really loved Ashley, but I just don’t like her, and she never treated me the way someone you love should be treated.  People who love her are only there to further her selfish needs.  That’s why she skins her parents for ever dime, wastes their money on THINGS to make herself feel better, uses her friends until they no longer meet her needs…..and she’s so delusional that she can’t even be honest with herself about what she’s doing……and the best part, she’s getting a masters in counceling!

I liked tera, but I didn’t love her,
I loved ashley, but I didn’t like her.

I wonder who’s out there that I has both.

I"m down 25 lbs, let’s see if someone will fall for the thinner and more powerful 4G Ian Minter!?