hit me again

I am happy

I am contented.

I have new women on the horizon.

and it’s thanks to Ashley

I have to thank her for being…..
Strong?
bitter?
angry?
Resentful?

whatever it was,
I’m happy

I have sent her two,
longing
whiney
crap filled
notes

in moments of weakness.

almost begging

and she hasn’t replied.

silence
silence has made it easier
with out something for my brain to focus on
to obsess about

I’ve actually started to pay attention to the day
and participate in it.

I can watch TV now without every show being about her and I
I can listen to some music
without it triggering my ash reflex

I remember that I was annoyed a lot of the time I was with her.
I remember thinkiing that I should dump her
find someone happier
someone easier to get along with
someone who had more interesting things to say

most of me chalks up the things I didn’t like to her drug use,

but what if

being that person

sad
combative
selfish

led to the drug use?

Maybe I have it backwards

poor thinking
a lazy mind
 maybe that led to it

drug use is just a symptom.

either way

I’m glad,
for the firs time
that she isn’t here.

I sent one last note.

It said something like
it’s not too late
you can still make the flight
you can still make this ok
I will forgive you.

she not only
didn’t make the flight
she didn’t eve respond.

It was a Christmas Miracle.

It seems to have made it easy
easier

and there is this throng of new prospects
and old flames

and I think I can
I think I can
I think I can

So one will fly in
from up north
from the past

for a weekend.

and the rest
will be dated

and maybe nothing comes of it
but I’m trying

which is more than I was doing before ashley

but the one thing
that comiserating with others
has taught me
is that the girl
before
the girl you marry
is the one
you tell all the stories about

The one who treated you like crap
the lightening
the one you love forever
the thunder

but god damn
Lightening sure is exciting

Cheers
Ian