What’s your sign?

Is it please let me touch your ass? At the New Years party someone started watching youtube videos and one of them was how to make pick up lines more awesome and sexual. They’re mostly jokes but I’d use them if I was in a relationship or already sleeping with someone. Like, Sticks and stones may break my bones I wanna jam my penis in you.

Late Merry Christmas and Kwanza and Hannukah and all that! OD is telling me I’m spelling Hannukah wrong but not Kwanza…I’ve never even met someone who celebrated Kwanza. So the Holiday’s are now finally over and they were pretty uneventful but good this year. It started out slightly awkward for me, last Saturday an old friend (Jessica) came back to town from Alabama and wanted to hang out. I had just gotten off from a ten hour day at work and was at the bar with my boss laughing loudly and annoying the bartender when she texts me to come out. I love hanging out with her so I was about to say yes when she sent a second text saying she was with Brittany. Brittany has sent me random facebook messages and posts that I’ve often thought from her were flirting. She is a very sweet girl, she teaches Mentally Challenged Elementary school kids and in all ways is very sweet and honest. So I went home after watching Washington State lose in the last minute of the game and tried to go to sleep. I got a call from Brittany’s phone later and didn’t pick up. The message left was from her step sister I think Which also leads me to think that Jess was trying to set me up with her. Brit is very shy and probably doesn’t have it in her to ask me out…which is a good thing because Brit isn’t the sort of person who could casually date someone. I could’ve just gone out and had fun but I’ve seen these girls interrogate a man before and I was not in the mood for that when it’s something I don’t even want in the first place.

So I woke up Sunday to a few drunk texts asking me to come out and one text from my sister telling me I had to meet the rest of the Family in Federal way at 11 so we can go to my Aunts house in Olympia…This was the first I heard of an extended family gathering and it was 10:15. So I hurriedly got ready and met them there 10 minutes late and in classic family form they were 20 minutes late after me. Then, unbeknownst to me of course, all six of us were going in Leah’s new Lexus which put my mother and I in the third row seat with our knees in our faces. So a 45 minute ride with your feet asleep is always awesome. We got there and luckily enough all the attention was put onto my 8 month preggo sister and I got to fade into the background with beer and really good cheese. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no grinch and it’s good to see most of my family but when there’s 20+ people in the house you get asked the same questions over and over again. My Uncle is a grinch however so he had football on all day with the sliding door shut so all us guys and dogs got a cooler and a tray of food to ourselves which isn’t usually my thing (I don’t give a fuck about sports anymore, played them for years, I’m tired of it) but this year it was my sanctuary. The ride home was awesome though, I was fairly tipsy and we watched Despicable Me on Leah’s DVD player.

Jess texted me again last night and after looking at facebook she was with Brittany again…I need to be better at looking at my phone, I’ve hated that thing for the last month or so.

Looper is an awesome movie. I didn’t really know what to expect from it but it was better than whatever that expectation was.

Later that evening…

So I took a vaccination for Whooping cough to insure that I wont infect my sisters baby when she graces the world and the shot has made me halfway sick. I tried going out and I just felt tired so I came home and now I’m watching it’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the episode where Mac goes back to dating a girl with a penis. It immediately reminded me of a date I went on when I was 18 or 19. I knew this girl as a friend of a friend and she started coming to my work so I asked her out and on the second date she said very seriously that she had something important to tell me. My mind jumped straight to’ "She has a penis." Why? I knew she had breast implants, they were very hard and we hadn’t gone past second base yet. She didn’t look manly or anything but my mind jumped to that… No penis though. She was very odd which is what drew me to her but she was odder than I thought. Turns out she wanted to confess that she had breast implants which I didn’t know what to say about on the second date other than being supportive.

And Brittany called…She calls at the worst times…ugh. I didn’t pick up, if I gave her an excuse like "I just took a shot, can’t come out." I don’t think she’d believe me.

Next Tuesday…hopefully the last day I come back to this.

 Happy New Years, congratulations on surviving 2012 and all that jazz…I don’t mean that in relationship to the apocalypse, I’m just glad you’re still alive. Way to be champ. My new years resolution is to get back in shape which will include no drinking and hopefully no smoking.

Thursday…..Is that a mirror in your pants? Cuz I wanna make out with your face.

Beards itch like hell after a month or so and I’m ready for it to stop or just shave the shit off. I’m ending this now…I don’t even think I would read all that shit.