Relationships with addicts

I spent a lot more time here than usual the last week or so and I’ve read a surprising amount of entries from people who are confused/hurt/frustrated about what to do with their alcoholic/addict significant other. This hits home for me as I was/am the alcoholic, have been sober for over 6 years and listened to many a story in AA meetings about relationships, usually from the other side of the equation but occasionally both parties attended. It is hard to know if someone is open to hearing anything directly so I avoid commenting on the majority of these entries. Why I feel there is a need to write this is that there is very little, if anyone writing from the other side of sobriety, I am by nature an empathetic person, I feel the struggle on a very personal level when I read these things and it’s hard for me not to care. So what can someone do in these situations to help their addicted significant other?

Help yourself first. If they are physically/psychologically abusive, step away and protect your own emotional and physical well being. Abuse/trauma come in many forms, it isn’t black and white.

While not everyone agrees on this, there are a large amount of studies that show that addiction is caused by brain chemistry, it’s not personal. Addiction feels personal because it is a physical and emotional dependence, also, many addicts suffered from childhood trauma, started using early and became addicts at a young age. An addicts brain becomes so chemically imbalanced that it will prioritize the need for the drug/chemical over the ability to breathe. This comes in to play when bartering enters the equation, for example, a couple who has been fighting when one party drinks too much, the drinking party then says, ‘I’ll only drink on the weekends’ or ‘I’ll only have a few drinks a night’. This, in effect, is an addicts way of normalizing their habit and feeling that their use is ‘approved’ and is at best a stall for time, an addict will eventually not be able to adhere to whatever bargain was agreed upon.

Addicts begin drinking/using for a variety of reasons, the most typical being some type of trauma or abuse when they were young, whatever the cause may be, it is up to them to make the decision to stop. There is an often dangerous thought that, ‘they’ll change for me’, like any other change that you might want in a relationship, they have to want it too, then add to that the fact that this is a struggle in their body and brain, thinking of another person over addiction is not likely. Situations with marriages/kids/shared housing has frequently been a reason for people I’ve known to stop drinking but this occurred after a very significant line had been crossed. Hitting rock bottom is a typical spot where people realize they need to change. What rock bottom looks like is different for everyone but it’s traumatic. For me, that was a medically induced coma for nearly two weeks and I count myself fortunate that I woke up, others are not so lucky.

So that’s fairly doom and gloom but here’s what I think actually helps people who are addicts. An addict feeling supported in their recovery is the biggest thing in my mind. This means engaging the rational part of their brain, not the addicted part. If they don’t drink or use when you do something together, tell them that you enjoyed that time together (if you honestly did enjoy it, of course). Do something they/you both like doing which doesn’t involve drugs/drinking, for me, this would’ve been someone asking me to go hiking or to play music together.

Getting someone to attend an AA meeting is probably one of the hardest things to get an addict to agree to as there are a lot of preconceived notions about what AA is and admitting you have a problem is the first step, if you haven’t been to one then I would suspend judgement. If I were to describe it in familiar terms, an AA meeting is not much different than this site, it’s a place where people voice things and other people offer insight and support. There will be people who have been sober for years and those who are recently clean but something universal in those meetings is that the group will listen, understand and care if you’re being open and honest. Every AA meeting group is different, some prefer certain groups to others but they’re there and the people in those meetings will have something to offer.

I thought against posting this at all and originally posted as a private entry but what can it hurt.