I need tomorrow.

I spent last night reading old books that I hadn’t read for a long time. A sense of the cosmos by Jacob Needleman, Zen Training by Katsuki Sekida (I’ve never been good at meditating but it did teach me how to cure hiccups), The Magus of Java by Kosta Danaos. I read through them randomly in a vain search for something to bring me somewhere other  than where I am.

Somewhere along this train of guided randomness I realized that I was at peace with the ex cheating on me. Yes, she should’ve talked to me first, yes she did things in the worst way possible but I saw that I never put myself into the relationship. I’ve felt jealous of the French douchebag who was once my friend who jumped all over her but it came to me that her fears made her leave me. She has left everyone that she’s ever been with before they left her, she finds a new man and gets over things before life has a chance to catch up with her. I could easily end their relationship by telling this guy that we slept together since they’ve been together. He’s going back to France next week and she wants to go with him. Her impulsiveness knows no bounds but she did end it before I did so she gets the credit as being the strong straightforward one. One persons attention was never enough for her and I knew that but he doesn’t. He doesn’t know what I helped her through and he will eventually put himself into the place I was in without knowing that she will leave. Do I know this for sure? No. She left me with her heart set on a new person and still wanted to sleep with me (random fact that makes me happy, he’s not that big…) so she doesn’t know what she wants. I wanted a life with children and she could never have given that to me.

Somewhere through my readings I felt all my romantic loves go before me. If someone gave too much to me I left, if I gave to much too them I left. I never found any balance with anyone. I’ve never had equal footing in a relationship…I know that men and women still have different ground to stand on regarding societal pressures but inside of a relationship or as friends everything is equal unless a situation props up that one can handle better than the other. My Ex was the flirt that hated when I talked to any other female. She would flirt and I knew that it was harmless but if I talked to any girl that she didn’t trust she would jump on me and give me a kiss…very awkwardly…these signs told me that she would find love elsewhere just as she had with the previous five or six guys she had relationships with. I was the only one she told about how she had cheated though. I was her friend, her person she could trust. I still am too…what kills me is how many people tell me that I’m such a sweet person. I don’t believe in the whole nice guys finish last mentality. I stand where I am and I don’t think I want someone next to me. I feel love too strong. Life has too many facets to hold me and when I do find love I let myself become infatuated with one person and ignore the outside world that drives my interest of life.

The hard part to swallow for me and how I do get over this is that I drove a woman out of marriage. My ex cheated out of her want for something new…I hate the man she cheated with but I can’t blame him. I deserve this in a way.