A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

I always feel like starting out entries with jokes and I usually find lame jokes to be the best. Dirty jokes don’t go over well with everyone and being that I’ll be posting a baby picture here’s an ugly baby joke.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you."

That’s my little niece! 🙂 Not that she does much or really anything but look up at you, eat and poop she’s still pretty cute. I’ve been up to see her three or four times to help my sister get free time it’s kind of beneficial that I haven’t been able to move around that well. My ribs have been really bruised (lucky I didn’t crack them) so I haven’t been able to lift things and standing up was giving me muscle spasms for a good two weeks after the accident. So pretty much I’d just sit there for a few hours reading a book or watching a movie with the little one. I read her Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy which is now the first book she’s heard. Badass. I know.

In other news, sometimes there are things on the internet that no one should ever see and I’m not going to name this one like I did with the waffle badness. I was reading an article the other day and the writer mentioned a video I hadn’t seen or heard of before so I immediately went to look it up because I have that morbid curiosity. I clicked on about 10 or so broken links on Google until one finally started to play. The video I was trying to find was admittedly gross as I’d gathered from descriptions but this one I’d inadvertently come across was a murder. Literally. The videos share one thing in common in the title. I shut the video off once I realized what I was watching but those 10 seconds were deeply disturbing and completely fucked up. There’s a couple things I wont ever forget seeing and that is now stuck in my head. I hope that video gets taken off the internet out of respect for the family involved.

There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?” 

And here’s a dirty joke for you weirdos.

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
 
How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They all sit in the dark and cry.
 
Alright…I don’t have too much else to write about. I’ve been waiting a while to get back into the swing of things and haven’t had much to say or write about. I’ve basically been reading a lot and falling asleep to movies. I made the mistake of going out for drinks a week ago and woke up in a lot of pain. I’m hoping it’s all in a past now and I can start working out and being normal but I’m going to give it a few days to be safe…which really is quite adult of me. I would not have done that a year ago. I’m turning old…yeesh…