titles are hard to make

I never really know what to title these entries. Originally it was going to be “the back story” but then i don’t feel like i want to go back and re-write all of it.

I’m kind of sick of writing about him, thinking about everything thats happened, feeling stuck.

I think yesterday was the last time I’ll see him, for good. I’ve said that before but i honestly cried for hours last night.

I just realised that someone like that, someone abusive/narcissistic/sociopathic/borderline will never really give you closure. I went back because i feel so alone with what happened to me (the abuse) that it almost feels comforting being around the only person that was there at the time. I guess its called “trauma bonding.”

It’s the only time i really feel alive, when i think of him. I know thats likely trauma bonding too.

It scares me that someone I don’t even like… someone i don’t even feel that connected too anymore – still seems to have this massive way of pulling me in.

Last night was full of minimising. Minimising the abuse, gaslighting, playing victim, projecting, etc, etc.

It just made everything worse for me. I didn’t even know what to say because i have come to the realisation that I’m never going to get a sorry, try and turn things around to how it was before i met him.

I’ve never cried like that. In some ways it was good – it was like letting out everything i had bottled up for so long. LI think there was this subconscious hope that if i find a way to enjoy his company and make everything okay, then the memories will go away.

I’m so angry at myself that i don’t know what to do sometimes.

I’m so confused and scared that i feel sick.

I feel so exhuasted all the time, emotionally and physically.

I’m not depressed – thanks to brintellex (an antidepressant) that has really helped lessen the mood/affect parts of depression.

I’m scared that I’m really forced to go through this process again – knowing that i will never get any closure.

In some ways i don’t regret it because i held onto still believing i “loved” him for a long time. I know that it was all fake and at least im not hanging on to something.

This is a bit of rambling but i think its going to be like this for a while until i can see and think clearly. I’m putting so much pressure on myself to always make the right decisions that i think its worked against me. I need to focus on me, not focus on how not to talk to him/his responses, etc. I know people love me and when i surround myself with people that i know care it feels different. I feel seen, i feel heard.

People like my ex make me feel extreme high and lows and I’ve been addicted to that. It makes feeling “normal’ somewhat boring. But something that really helped me from a book commented that sometimes “intensity” is mistaken for “intimacy.” So, just because you have extreme intensity and infactuation with someone, this isn’t the same thing as close and needed intimacy.

I’m going to just chill out now and try relax.

milly xx