Being a Mom. I was a Mom. I was going to be. I took that away.

I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. All I knew is that I wanted to be a Mom.

I got pregnant. It was twins. I found out laying in the hospital bed for pains in my side. No one was allowed with me due to Covid. I was in shock. In utter disbelief. My boyfriend and I weren’t trying, things were rocky and we had only been dating a year.

The twins were healthy. But I wasn’t. Physically, yes. Mentally, no. My dog was attacked by a pitbull. I had to fight the pitbull off of her as she was laying lifeless in the dogs mouth being tossed around like a rag doll. Running down the st screaming holding her neck as it squirted blood as she defecated all over me. Crying for anyone to help. Lucky to remember there was a vet two blocks away. I had been suffering with ptsd. I was taking Clonazepam and my anxiety, triggers that make me feel the same as I did in that very moment. Shock, anxious, guilt.

My mom was thrilled about me being pregnant. Financially I was in a bad place due to not being able to work, vet bills, moving, the attack happened on my floor in my condo.

My boyfriend picked me up from the hospital and drove me home. Then left me to go to his own home. I spoke with my psychiatrist the next morning. I would no longer be able to take my medication. I was struggling daily on it and we discussed emotions during pregnancy. I didn’t think I would be able to make it through. My boyfriend picked me up that afternoon. And he brought up that he can’t sleep we need to make an appointment for my abortion. Words I’ve never wanted to hear.  My twins. I had to say goodbye. But did I have to. Why did I. Why didn’t I try. I feel week ashamed. My mom was adopted. Her mom had her when she was 16 and I’m here because she was strong and gave my mom the gift of life. Which gave me my family. I wasn’t strong. I’m not strong. I let a man, my emotions and a dog attack influence my decisions to take my twins.
He dropped me off at the abortion clinic. I cried. They gave me the iv and started. The pain was unbearable. But not only physically.  A part of me died that day.  It was easy for them “whoops We didn’t give you enough pain medicine”.  We’re almost done almost got “it” all out. That’s my twins. Being vacuumed out of me healthy. To their death . I did that.I allowed that to happen.
We went to his house where I stayed for a couple days . It felt lonely. I felt ashamed. What kind of woman can do that. Not be strong enough to give life to her own children.
They said I might bleed. I did about a week later. Not little amounts. Big chunks. I took a picture I was so scared. I called him crying. He didn’t believe me. He said no that’s only if you take the abortion pill. What.. you don’t … Believe me?  I’ve never felt so alone. I had to send the picture of my hairy vagina with chunks of blood oozing in the toilet. Do you believe me now. Belittled doesn’t even begin to describe the emotions. Powerless. Degraded.

He broke up with me. People say it’s good it’s the right decision to not have him in your life. I don’t care about him. I can have him out of my life but what I can’t ever get back is my twins. He would have been gone regardless. Now I’m here alone with regret and shame. Nightmares, triggers, crippling anxiety and unbearable emotions. I’ve lost 1/3 of my body weight. Under 100lbs. People send me hate mail about how disgusting I look and how I’m bulimic and how do I think I look good. No one knows what’s going on. What went on. What happened. The endless cycle of the feeling of despair in my mind. My dog. My twins. If I wasn’t in the hallway at that time . Had I not been reliant on medicine. Had I been stronger. I’d be starting my third trimester. Or I wouldn’t be here.

I’ve tried telling myself and others im fine. I’m not. I’ll manage. But I’ll never be okay. I’ll never get my twins back. That moment in my life being told I’m going to be a mom for the first time. Then being that very person that took that away.

1. I am Weak. Pathetic. Undeserving. And most of all, I am so so Sorry.