Trust

It was my idea to talk, so you must have been kinda thrown when I told you that I couldn’t talk, and that I would have to call you back later.  The truth of that matter, as you would find out in a matter of time, was that I was with someone that put me in between a rock and a hard place at the time of you call.  A friend that I had serious feelings for in the past had come to town and wanted to hang out for a while; this was after I asked you if you could talk.  Well, we were hanging out playing guitar when you called and I wanted to tell you that we have never been anything more than friends, and from this point on that would be the case because we are now thinking about the two of us.  But telling you on the phone something right in front of her face would have been really rude…so once again; caught between a rock and a hard place.  Well, after I could not get in touch with you for a day, I finally caught you on IM and tried to explain myself, with a lot of fumbled words ands and typos, thinking all the while how it would have been more ideal to have that kind of conversation on the phone so that I could make more sense, as well as be as sincere as possible.  Fortunately foe me, you understood and told me that I was making sense.  And I told you that I was just really worried about screwing things up between the two of us, and mixed signals seemed to be a great place to start.  But after all of this junk you brought out a funny word.  You said: “its ok, I trust you.”  This is one of those moments that a word or a concept has no true value or meaning until it strikes a nerve near the heart.  Something in the mind, the rational part of the human psyche, is triggered by something purely emotional…and consequently “trust” makes sense.

I thought about you the rest of the night.  Not just sitting there thinking about you, but my mind kept coming back to the thought of you.  I remember sitting on the second floor of the library looking out the window at a beautiful fall day just like this one.  Class had let out and people were walking out buildings or lunch, as the mid day sun seemed to shine brightly on everyone.  And I remember seeing you…seeing you differently than the way that I saw you before.  You were walking down a walkway towards the library, I can’t remember if you were walking alone or alone side of someone, I would like to think that I was just seeing you in a way that made other people fade out of sight.  You were doing the athlete getup that day.  The typical college addidas sandals with socks; blue soccer pants, and a gray t-shirt with the schools colors on it.  Your hair was down, and for some reason I remember that you were eating an apple, as strange as that sounds.  But I remember that because you were doing this funny chewing thing where you would kinda moving your head as opposed to your mouth…making you look like a little kid who had been given a piece of apple that was just a little bit too big.  And this went on as you walked past the window where I was sitting, thinking about how the light that was starting to peak through the trees made the leaves all around you look like they were glowing…thinking about how you were so beautiful too, in such and original way that just so you.

I kept seeing you in my thoughts today went on.  I was seeing you in a similar way, like the autumn sun all around you, but this time you seemed closer to me.  For some reason I kept seeing you in my car, in the passenger seat as I was driving among the falling leaves and a crisp air that couldn’t get through the closed windows.  I would look over every so often, almost to see if you were still there, and what I would see when I did never seemed to be something that got old or wasn’t as exciting as the first time that I had glanced at it.  You’re head was resting comfortably on the seat and one of my coats was doing its best to serve as a blanket as you had it wrapped around you over your seatbelt.  Its nice to think that you might be that comfortable with me; that you might doze off and not think that you are being rude, or that it would be a weird silence while you slip away for a nap, and I would be happy to have your quiet company if I know we both are thinking and feeling the same way about each other.  I’ve never had moments like that with you, but somehow I crave them like I already have…I hope that’s ok…

The sun was smiling on you, and you seemed to be smiling back as it kept you warm and cozy in a shallow sleep as we putted along some back road miles from anywhere, anyone, or any care that we might have.

Peace and Love

Mikey