This Moment

I recognize the place that I am in with haunting clarity.  It’s pitch black outside your house in an overcast starless sky that looks like it might rain at any given second.  I’ve nothing to say…but I try, I try and I stammer with words that we both know have no meaning as I ask questions I already have and make comments exactly the same that I have before on different occassions.

I know this place because I have been here too much.  Perhaps not with you, but with others in the moment when I became aware of teh weight of my feelings for you. 

T.V. and jeans night might have you feeling a litte underdressed and exposed but it can’t compare with the feeling I have right now as I relplay over and over again in my head the times when it would have been perfect to reach out and take your hand and send a clear message…but I did not.  Those moments pass by and give fuel to the awkwardness that has been breeding in the air between then lapse in conversation and the sound of the stereo.

To have nothing is to have no weight.  To have nothing is to have nothing to lose.  Chances are not chances but bets with no worry of loss.  Every time I see you I feel heavier, as if every movie choice, as if every word I might say could send our paths in different directions and I would become someone you knew one summer between moving home and the begining of the rest of you life.

I know nothing this small is this crucial, but it is moments like this that I fear for the first time the feeling of loss.  Where was it before?  It never came into being because I didn’t let myself want this, didn’t let myself want you.  But tonight between soft smiles and my hand grazing your back it is different.  Tonight between bad movies and silent drives something changed.  But tonight, when I know it’s late and I would take your hand just to be with you for a second longer…something is growing heavier and I know that one is never in danger when one desires nothing.  And it is this moment because I know I want more.

Peace and Love

Mikey