St. Albuns

The days that follow our meetings seem to be more painful than the goodbyes we say while we are separating ways. I feel like we are still close in those moments of saying goodbye, but then the day after I feel like there are gaps of time and space between us that are almost impossible to cross.

This morning I woke up to the sun coming in through my window. It was chasing the shadows away from behind the dark side of the house and onto the lawn outside of the kitchen. This weather reminds me of November running in reverse, and the sight of the sun so bright melting away the frost on the ground gives me a sense of happiness when I remember that warmer days are in front of me now as opposed to behind me.

I remember this Saturday, over fifty degrees for the first time in what seems like forever. How incredible it was to be near you on such a day, jogging around the streets of you hometown, seeing parts off you for the first time. You’re becoming a little sun in my world…my heart is covered in frost waiting to see you again because it knows that you melt the ground and makes the earth come alive…and knowing you more only makes me anticipate that sunshine.

Things you tell me usually frustrate me; my flaws seen as fears by you would make me angry. But instead I feel exposed in truth, and I know God isn’t finished with me yet, but I can’t help but feel that somehow I’ve disappointed Him with my lack of progress, and I feel so unworthy of you. I know you have your faults, just as everyone else, but there is a man I want to be for you, and I’m not there yet. This is a bitter pill to swallow, but it makes me thankful for your hesitance, as well as your patience with me. This was on my mind as I made the drive back Sunday, doing my best not to over analyze or take things the wrong way.

When I crossed over back into Ohio, the weather was changing. It started a heavy sprinkle just as I crossed over back into my home state, and the rain only seemed to make what I was leaving behind seem all the more bright and wonderful. The four hours that I spent in the car moved by hastily without the assistance of any radio, c.d., or phone call. I experienced all the emotions that I believe I could have on this drive…missing you already mixed with the familiar feeling of being right by your side for the entire weekend. Yesterday I looked at a map and saw the physical distance of how far apart we are. I felt tears coming up, just as I would the night following as I watched the world turn dark as the sun set on another day. But it doesn’t seem that far anymore.

After our talk, and the tears you had cried, I knew that I had seem more of the real you than most people get to experience. In asking what you want from me I got: “just be my friend.” But it was in the way that you said it that made me think. I know that only a few people get to know you in this way, and I know that being that close to you is significant…and I am so thankful for that. I told you that there is no place I would rather be, no one I would rather be with at that moment in time…and I love it that you don’t understand why. You have no idea how wonderful you are, it makes caring for you all the more sweet.

I am not sure why I’m writing this, I guess I might have made another step. I remember a movie in which some guy talked about loving a girl. When he is told that the girl never really liked him, let alone cared for him, his response is something that sticks in my mind. “I didn’t care, I loved her,” and that’s it. I believe that I care for you in this way. On the other hand, I have no idea that I could ever care about you in retrospect after being cut off or hurt by you. But I want to. To me it seems that caring for someone like that always seems foolish in hindsight…and I think that I have grown to see that bitterness as a waste, with your help. Loving someone could never be foolish, even if they don’t feel the same way. Loving you could never be foolish…ever. I just hope that I can remember that in the days that are ahead of me.

Peace and Love

Mikey