Our Talk
9/16/04
Fate one of those topics that I can never be more close to the middle on. Almost two years have past since our failed attempt at something more; it seems like such a long time ago. Almost two years ago precisely that seems like fate, as do a lot of things at this moment.
Things like:
This journal, a place for the moments I want to keep forever, coming back to my immediate possession in the matter of a day or two.
Our conversation, almost directly following another date with someone that I know I dont belong to
Computer access that made our entire conversation possible
Reading my online journals about you, some earlier today
And one of the books that happens to be with me this one. I remember writing about my copy of C.S. Lewiss The Four Loves. It was in this book that I hid away you picture. I put it in there discouraged, discouraged because I thought that the closest that I would ever be to you had already come to pass. I was more than disappointed, but from some reason I put it in the Eros section of that book; romantic love. I remember writing that I had done such a thing in the light of hope. It was true. To this day I never had the heart to move that picture to another section of that book.
I wish that I could tell you how beautiful I think that you are, not just now, but two years ago, or the times in between that we was a fantasy in my head that made my heart ache. How many times had I looked at that smile and wished that I could be at least part of your joy? And tonight we tell each other that we are grinning at our computer screens while we talk, all the while never feeling silly.
I told you that you could have whatever you wanted from me its yours. You told me that you wanted me to care for you I already do.
For two years this picture has been sitting in the romantic love section of this book something kept me from moving; if one chooses to believe in fate. I smile at the way that you are smiling, about the way that you are smiling tonight after we have talked. And fate, I smile at him too who would have ever thought that fate and I could actually see eye to eye on something?
I stand at the threshold of something more and all I can do is hope that God is the one guiding my thoughts and actions.
Peace and Love
Mikey